On Art Therapy, Change & Healing Racism: An Interview with Salina Cobbin, LMFT

The following interview was conducted in early December 2020.

Maria Elena Marquez: What inspired you to become an art therapist?

“I guess when I went into the field, I knew I would be facing lots of trauma and lots of other things to deal with. But for some reason, it never crossed my mind that I’d also be dealing with politics and how that will intersect. ”

Salina Cobbin: I was taking a creative writing course at UCLA Extension. At the time, I was interested in writing and exploring that. We would get assignments and with every assignment we did, although it was all fiction, I would see a piece of myself in my writing or a part in the story even though it wasn’t my intention [to insert myself]. I started to realize that writing truly is a form of art — and in every form of art is a piece of you. Whether you’re intending to or not, whatever you create ends up being a representation of your self — it is still a representation of your self. Soon I started to think about how cool it would be to have a studio where people are creating art and then there’s a professional that comes around to help guide you and support you. I thought I invented art therapy (laughs). And then I started Googling things and found out that it is a real practice; a real, existing profession. (laughs). I looked into it further, and I went to various orientations for grad programs. The school that I ended up going to was less than 7 minutes away from my house at the time. I thought it was all meant to be. Meant to be. That is kinda how I landed in art therapy.

Maria Elena: I love your story! So, through the creative writing process, you felt like you really could see parts of yourself. Through that viewing of your self, you were able to imagine things and you thought of a studio where people could engage in their own creative processes. 

Salina: Yeah, a place where people could express themselves freely and create art. I imagined someone trained a bit more in psychology who could guide people through self-discovery and art-making. I thought about the importance of it being a community space. I wasn’t initially thinking ‘a therapist’ necessarily…I thought I could figure this out and do it myself. But then I discovered art therapy and it clicked — “Oh, this is a real thing!”

Maria Elena: What about that initial dream of creating a community space for self-discovery do you feel like you presently hold on to?

Salina: I guess I’ve distanced myself from that idea of a community space right now because I’m looking at my goals that are right in front of my face. While working in agencies and in my own private practice, I’ve been trying to fine tuning the demographic that I want to work with… which I do feel like I’ve been able to do. Because I’m such a methodical person, once that is off the list, then I can work towards something that feels like an even bigger vision.

Maria Elena: So, you’re fine-tuning your understanding of the population that you’re most able to serve…the population that you really enjoy working with…so what does that look like — what is that population? 

Salina: In the beginning of my career, I went into it thinking that I wanted to work predominantly with at-risk youth. But I’ve learned that I work better with adults. I really like working with people of color and working on how all these different parts of your life shape your identity…whether it’s past traumas, your ethnic background, or different experiences. I think it’s this whole idea of identity that I’m noticing I gravitate towards. I think because I’m bi-racial identity has always been a topic in my life. It’s something that I really love. But also I think it’s important to understand what kind of things shape us and how they impact our relationships to others…and how you see where you fit in and where you don’t fit in.

Maria Elena: Yes, I can see parallels between what you’re saying and how I enjoy working with single Latina women who are searching for their sense of self in their careers,  their sense of self in romantic relationships, or their sense of self or adulthood with their parents. Often there’s trauma or intergenerational trauma involved. When you find that population that is such a match for your personal and professional experience, it kinda feels like home.

Salina: It’s comforting and it’s also inspiring. I feel like when I’m with the clients that are such a great match, it’s really inspiring. 

Maria Elena: Yes! Okay, let’s shift gears. How have you been taking care of yourself during this time of the COVID pandemic? I know in the beginning, I was shocked. I was terrified…it was hard to grapple with taking care of my self while also being a therapist. And I felt so isolated from my friends and family that I normally lean on for love and support. But now I’m feeling more settled. I’m wondering how that process has been for you…maybe because you’re a planner it was less of a struggle…How was it? And now how are you doing with it all compared to the beginning?

Salina: Right, yeah. In the beginning, it was very shocking. All of a sudden, we had to pick up our things and go home. We didn’t have a lot of time to plan, which, yes, planning is kinda my thing. I mostly went into a mode of trying to be very structured. Structure is comforting for me. I did find that because I was so focused on setting up new structures that I wasn’t really addressing the underlying stress and other emotions that were coming up. Instead I was focused on the structure. And when I wasn’t or couldn’t stick to the structure, then I’d get upset. I realized a lot about myself — with all this change that happens (and change that isn’t coming from myself), that it causes me a lot of stress. I’m learning a lot more about just letting things be….and learning to stop fighting against the change. It stills comes up but this stance has helped decrease some of the stress. In the beginning, it was all change, change, change…work structure change, changing work policies, going virtual. I was just like “I don’t wanna do that!” But my resistance to change was making me even more upset. Also trying to work it out first…and then it if doesn’t work, complain later. This has been a big one for me. And also trying to connect with some people…mostly with family and with one of my cousins in particular. It’s been very different though just staying at home. Learning to be bored and being okay with being bored. That’s also been big in helping me cope. I try to do exercises here and there…a little inconsistently. And accept that things are a bit of a mess right now. That was a long answer!

Salina Cobbin, LMFT

Maria Elena: What are some things that you accomplished this year that you’re proud of? I know that 2020 has been a difficult year and it’s tough to think of the good when things are so challenging and when things we had in mind for ourselves have slowed down or been interrupted…but yeah, what are you proud of?  

Salina: Becoming licensed. That was a big accomplish this year! It’s true that I don’t really focus on the good as much. On a self-care, I’ve been mindful of eating and sleeping — and regulating that stuff…and finding ways to put self-care at the forefront. I think I’m doing much better with that. Hmm..I think also trying to figure what direction I’m going into, career-wise. I was confused for awhile. And now I know what to move more and more into private practice. 

Maria Elena: I would also like us to talk about politics given that 2020 was so marked by social, cultural, and political change and upheaval. I wonder what the white person reading this might better understand from the clients (people of color) that you work with — that your clients might be hurting and yet also proud to be who they are. This feels really important. I’m not sure where to begin but what are your thoughts? 

Salina: Yeah, it does feel important. There’s a lot to say. I guess I’ll start here…I have been reading this book recently and the topic is related to the current social climate and specifically with racial injustices and the Black Lives Matter movement. It talks about this whole idea of racism and how a lot of people who don’t understand are like ”Okay we get it, just move on…Why are you still reacting this way? Why are you still hurt? Why are you continually bringing up racism?”…this idea that slavery and therefore, racism is in the past. This book was talking about how in this country, it has never really been acknowledged…it has always been something swept under the rug, which differs from Germany. In Germany, they have actually acknowledged what happened to the Jewish people during the Nazi regime. The country has taken down statues that are offensive from that era. In America, they just don’t. It feels like it’s offensive in the US to even bring up taking down a confederate statue. There was a reference in the book that spoke to therapy…when you go to therapy, a therapist isn’t gonna tell you “Forget about the past.” No - we need to address what’s happened in the past in order to make changes. You would really do some damage as a therapist if you were to deny that past for someone. I think that is happening for a lot of people. The denial is damaging — it translates to “You’re not hearing me, you’re not understanding me, and you don’t care.” It does bring up a lot of feelings for people [of color]. That’s the first thing I wanted to say.

Maria Elena: What’s the title of the book that you’ve been reading? 

Salina: It’s called Caste by Isabel Wilkerson. Along with it, I was listening to the podcast that Oprah did with her. It’s very informative. 

“We need to address what’s happened in the past in order to make changes. You would really do some damage as a therapist if you were to deny that past [full of racial injustices] for someone. I think that is happening for a lot of people. The denial is damaging — it translates to ‘You’re not hearing me, you’re not understanding me, and you don’t care.’ It does bring up a lot of feelings for people [of color]. ”

Maria Elena: That’s so powerful - to give a space of healing to your clients and to allow them a space to say “My pain hasn’t been acknowledged. My ancestors’ pain hasn’t been acknowledged…and that’s why it’s still deeply embedded in me. And this country that I love and that should be free for all of us hasn’t acknowledged that.” It’s such a difficult time in our history to be a therapist but also what an honor. That’s so powerful. 

Salina: Right, absolutely. I guess when I went into the field, I knew I would be facing lots of trauma and lots of other things to deal with. But for some reason, it never crossed my mind that I’d also be dealing with politics and how that will intersect. Like you said, it is an honor. I also feel like I’m learning along with my clients. It’s nice to know that “Wow, this person feels safe enough to express this and also, thank goodness, because there aren’t many safe spaces, unfortunately, for all people without being invalidated or told that ‘Okay, we get it but….’” 

Maria Elena: Right, and sometimes even unintentionally a white therapist might feel uncomfortable and then quickly change the subject about race…and then the invalidation or denial is happening again and now with the person that I’ve told my deepest, darkest thoughts to. So, it’s amazing to see you…a woman who is an art therapist and a licensed marriage and family therapist, a woman who is bi-racial in this field. You can hold that and someone can say and be like “me too.” It might not even be said, but it is felt.

Salina: Clients will comment “I don’t have to change the way that I speak when I’m in the session with you…because it’s not coming off as threatening or slang…it’s just the way that I speak with you.” It’s pretty cool.

Maria Elena: You’re amazing! Thank you so much for talking with me today. 

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Salina Cobbin, LMFT, is an art therapist with a private practice in Studio City. She has personal and professional experience working with identity issues that arise for multi-ethnic/multi-cultural individuals, families, and single parents. 

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Maria Elena Marquez, MA, is a bilingual (Spanish-English) Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, IMF #103470, working under the supervision of Brittany Kiko Reimann, LMFT. As an art therapist, Maria is passionate about helping clients unravel complex cultural beliefs and family pressures through the use of expressive arts.

Care and Courage in Crisis: An Interview with Christine Chester, Medical Social Worker

Sarah Butcher: Tell us about your job title, and what your job entailed before the quarantine / pandemic?

Christine Chester: I have been a Medical Social Worker since 2013. I have worked in various units, NICU, L+D, Ortho, ICU, Med-Surg, Oncology, Trauma, Peds, Psych Evaluations, and the list goes on, always in acute care settings. At this time, I am the Medical Social Worker in an Emergency Department. As usual, the first and most valuable intervention is a thorough biopsychosocial-spiritual assessment. Once that is complete, I move on to facilitate my portion of the care plan as directed by the physician. Generally patient needs that are referred to me are centered around homelessness, abuse, poverty and lack of resources and safety concerns. 

Sarah: How has the environment at work changed since the pandemic?

Christine: It’s very different. Simple things take much longer because of new processes. Wearing an N95 can make it more difficult to communicate, even over the phone. Even a simple mask can cause some skin breakdown or burdensome tension headache. It’s mentally taxing to consider a pathogen throughout the day, sanitizing and sequencing movement just to get a drink of water or use the bathroom.

We don’t have the typical mix of patient needs that we used to see--instead we are seeing many more critically ill patients. It’s truly unprecedented. I’m located in the nurses’ station. I try to prioritize patients who have a poor prognosis, and I complete those assessments first. As usual, I am inquiring about legal decision making, but often I’m having more expanded conversations about a POLST or an Advance Directive. I’m also trying to be sensitive to the needs of patients who are unstable. If a patient may not survive and they are transported to ICU, I try to communicate with the medical team about how and when to facilitate a video call. My goal is for loved ones to have as much connection as possible with their loved one. Sadly, that can mean facilitating a goodbye call, or comforting a visitor who is permitted to come to the bedside of a deceased or dying loved one.  

“Sarah: What is the best part of your job? What is the worst part?

Christine: The best part is being able to ease suffering. The worst part is when I can’t.”

In early March I could see a tidal wave coming--we were starting to understand just what had happened in northern Italy and watching our PPE supply eviscerate and wide swaths of staff taken off work due to sickness and possible exposures--it was scary. I really geared myself up as a support for loved ones and staff. Patients suffering from COVID were often too sick to meaningfully participate in an assessment, and we were trying to limit transmission by limiting contact with non-clinical staff.  I was seeing signs of acute traumatic stress within myself and my colleagues. There was very little chatting between staff that are usually jovial and warm. Their phones buzzing as family members panicked, asking them not to come to work, and some staff began making plans to move out of their own homes. Back then, visitors were permitted, but limited, and the department was eerily quiet. When loved ones would cry at the bedside, the sound would echo, and with it traveled fear and trauma. Many staff had sore and torn skin from PPE and make-shift PPE. The group dynamics, along with some physical markings, contributed to a mentality and culture shift from healthcare to conflict zone. 

My role as a mental health provider began to absorb some of the responsibilities of a Chaplain. Patients and families expressed tremendous spiritual distress and would frequently request prayer at the bedside and over the phone during a clinical assessment.

Sarah: What have been some of your most important tasks/interventions during the pandemic? 

Christine: I continue to feel that my most important intervention is a thorough initial assessment. The critical components of that assessment are vital during a pandemic, a part of that assessment is establishing a surrogate decision maker or receiving a copy of an Advance Directive or POLST. Sadly, the COVID deaths I have seen in the ER have been a rapid decline, so establishing this information is definitely a time-sensitive priority.

During an assessment, I’m basically formulating a genogram in my mind, trying to get a sense of care available to the patient. For patients who have COVID, the news of that positive test presents an immediate crisis--families wonder if they can safely reside together and what arrangements to make. I try to walk them through next steps and what to expect over the next few weeks, and direct them to COVID information and resources for testing etc.

I am encountering significant mental suffering, emotional anguish and considerable spiritual distress among patients and their loved ones. The trauma of losing a loved one to COVID is cruel and the ripple effects are vast. For example, I had a patient who tested positive for COVID. She was tearful and terrified, reporting to me her pastor had just died of COVID. This care setting offers spiritual care for any patient by phone or in person. I like to utilize the FICA assessment developed by Dr. Christina Puchalski at George Washington University. I often uncover important goals of care during the FICA discussion. 

Sarah: How has wearing a mask all day changed your interaction with patients?

Christine: Clinical practice is so very different when I am wearing an N95 all day--every patient is in a mask. My voice is muffled, so I am very deliberate with my intonation and have developed a much more sing-song inflection since they cannot see me smile. I have started to wear different eye makeup since my eyes are my only visible way to emote. My impression is that patients are reassured seeing clinical staff who appear well groomed under all their PPE--it seems just a little more normal. Like being on a plane during turbulence, but the flight attendants are calm and put together.

Sarah: What is the policy at your hospital on visitors? How has it affected patients and staff? 

Christine: At this time, the hospital allows no visitors at all. Patients and loved ones suffer greatly. The staff are spending huge emotional energy to be present at the bedside in more meaningful ways. I’m trying to be more vigilant of comfort items and call lights to diminish medical trauma. Today I stood at the bedside holding the hand of an elderly woman during her bedside procedure. I let her grip my right hand and with my left hand I stroked her hair and spoke softly to her. This is what we do now. It is clinically necessary to care for her not just as a patient but as though she is my own mother since her bedside is empty. This human contact appears to greatly diminish her fear and help manage her pain.

I’m also notified by clinical staff when they encounter family who are inconsolable over the phone and have concerns the loved one lacks adequate emotional care. The dynamic among staff in my department appears to be incredibly positive. The shared disposition is becoming lighter since those early days. Easier laughs and more natural interaction. This current of positivity carries us through tragedies and suffering and helps combat compassion fatigue.

Sarah: Did you ever become sick?

Christine: Yes. March 16th was the last day I worked before my family and I became sick with what we presume to be COVID. At that time, there were no tests available, and we were told to remain at home. We were fortunate to manage our symptoms at home, but it was a scary time. I kept in touch with colleagues by text, as we were among the first to become sick. I wanted to be open with them about what we were going through, since we both knew they would be next. This transitioned our relationship from friendly/professional into a tight bond.

Sarah: How did it feel coming back to work?

Christine: Returning to work after recovering was a relief but I was torn. I have three young children, at that time they were ages 8 months to 4 years. My training and experience drew me to come back; I was eager to be useful in a crisis. However, I was very worried my children would suffer because of my job. I sought out strategies to limit infection transmission returning to our home by having good disinfectant routines. Ultimately there was work to be done and I wanted to do it.

I wanted to lead by example for my colleagues, strengthening their hope and resolve by returning to work after sickness. As a mother with young children, my return to work was a strong statement because there was so much to fear because still so much is unknown. I relished the hope and encouragement I could give when colleagues would ask me about our experience of sickness. I could see my story and others like it build resiliency among colleagues as we each attempted to develop a new understanding of the value and risk of our work.

Having lived through chest pain, shortness of breath and painful neuropathy, I experienced the fear first hand and saw the value of psychological support and mental health care. My husband and I guided each other through breathing exercises, shared our fears and employed a dark humor. We were vigilant and responsive to symptoms, kept in touch with our doctor--but worked hard to stay connected and find humor throughout the day. Humor carried us through so much. It seemed to be the only anecdote to fear.

Usually these lessons would be considered personal or anecdotal. But in a crisis, it becomes necessary to maintain mental buoyancy among a team. Many households experience stressors of all kinds during this time. I find clinical value in some self-disclosure to colleagues. I am careful not to provide medical advice to families, but I am happy to share with a fellow parent that my children have been sick too. We are bonded strangers in those moments and I watch as their eyebrows gradually unfurrow, their posture starts to relax. There are usually tears, but they are tears of release, connection, and hope. I cannot offer reassurance, but I can offer connection. 

“My role as a mental health provider began to absorb some of the responsibilities of a Chaplain. Patients and families expressed tremendous spiritual distress and would frequently request prayer at the bedside and over the phone during a clinical assessment.”

Sarah: What are some of your greatest concerns/worries on the job now?

Christine: In the early days I saw this COVID tsunami coming for communities of color – typically they are the first and most hard hit economically and have the least access to preventative healthcare, more pre-existing conditions, and fewest resources. I lamented in prayer and cursed in anger with my colleagues for the coming onslaught these communities would face. During moments I have allowed myself to consider it deeply, and I’m angry and broken-hearted.

I have many worries, but I’ll outline 5 for now:

1) Loved ones are not yet being contacted in real time for contact tracing and consultation due to lack of infrastructure. I wish I was seeing that resource and information ramp up faster. Our local services are amazing, but the lack of federal guidance is a daily hindrance.

2) The vast and deep suffering of patients and loved ones who cannot be together in the hospital. The COVID-19 deaths I have seen have been too rapid for family to reach the bedside prior to death. The patient can be relatively stable and then crash. Knowing a loved one died without family is a tremendous pain that cannot be described or quantified. The impact of which will be felt exponentially and throughout generations.

3) I’m worried by the patients I’m not seeing. Folks who need their routine medical care and important surgeries, victims of crime who are not seeking services or medical care, victims of intimate partner violence who are staying at home. It’s terrible knowing the next waves of this virus will be depression and desperation – exacerbating stressors for every form of suffering. 

4) It’s also hard to see that some politicians and sectors of the public seem to be (messaging) healthcare as the enemy of the economy and freedom. I’m very upset by protest images of nurses standing in front of an angry public, many of whom will come through our doors for help. I’m worried about people’s search for answers and finding solace in conspiracies. I’m worried when I hear people say their life-long relationships are breaking down because of online arguments. I see folks lacking the ability to distinguish science from opinion, politics from public health. It’s a helpless feeling. Some folks don’t understand that without a shutdown, at least in this area, it would have been a slaughter. In this area we avoided that level of a crisis--we got ahead of it--for now. I’m worried for the gullible folks who are taking part in a false premise of freedom vs tyranny, who observe mask wearing as a rights infringement. I’m young, I’m healthy--you better believe I wear a mask to protect others. With COVID, our own breath is effectively second-hand smoke. Angrily refusing to wear a mask is like blowing smoke into someone’s face--but worse.  

5) The economic and emotional damage is coming at us like an avalanche. Although our kids are breathing cleaner air these days, their national debt load will be so much higher than my lifetime and economic disparity will widen. I’m worried for the desperation that economic hardship will bring. I’m worried for the millions of children who are sheltering in abusive homes and cannot go to school for relief. I’m worried about partners in abusive relationships, feeling even more trapped. I’m worried that perpetrators will be increasingly abusive because of stress and their victim’s complete social isolation. I’m worried for elders who live alone and will suffer a fall, and that neighbor who usually walks by may not hear them calling for help. I’m worried for my own safety, that someone may assault me as a healthcare worker--a symbol for many of economic devastation and rights infringement. 

Sarah: What is the best part of your job? What is the worst part?

Christine: The best part is being able to ease suffering. The worst part is when I can’t.

Sarah: How do you separate your personal life from work? 

Christine: It’s not hard to separate my personal life from my work. After 7 years of this, I’m a well-oiled HIPAA machine and don’t talk about work at home. But it is harder to separate my work from my personal life. When I see friends and family putting up questionable information online, making light of the virus, or inciting arguments about how they are ‘against’ social distancing etc…it’s hard not to take it personally. In those discussions it feels like I am on the receiving end of so much misplaced anger. Healthcare workers did not create the COVID-19 crisis. We do not have job security. We risk our lives and those of our families because we believe it is right. We are prepared to work and called to serve. But increasingly I feel this false narrative being developed that healthcare workers are standing in the way of economic recovery. It feels supremely dangerous and unfair.

Sarah: Are you able to find hope in the midst of so much uncertainty?

Christine: Absolutely!

Sarah: As restrictions in LA County change, what can people do to help healthcare workers like you?

Christine: This is a great question. I think it comes down to patience, education and generosity. Be patient with our public health officials--a novel virus is a maniac to understand, let alone predict. Continue to educate yourself and your loved about ways you can limit transmission at every stage of activity i.e. at home, work, school etc. Lastly be generous. Donate to food banks, and if you own a business, donate food to a local hospital or nursing home. Send in PPE, posters, cards, flowers--anything and everything that will encourage workers. Appreciation and encouragement builds resiliency in the souls and immune systems of essential workers.

Sarah: Thank you, Christine! 

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Christine Chester, MSW, LCSW, works in the Los Angeles area as an Emergency Room Social Worker. 

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Sarah Butcher, LMFT, specializes in treating children, teens, new and postpartum parents, and young adults. Her work with children in developmental play therapy led to her certification as a DIR Intermediate Floortime provider.

Music, Empathy, and Humanness: An Interview with The Brilliance

“Our entire ethos as a band is to try to create art that inspires empathy. And part of the reason we would say “art that inspires empathy,” is to be human is to also be connected to something bigger than just yourself. ”

— The Brilliance

With special appreciation to the musicians I have the gift of working with…

-Allie

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Allie Ramsey: So, today we are talking about music and humanness from the perspective of two people who create beautiful music.

David Gungor: Thank you. 

Allie: I was hoping to talk to you on this topic of music and humanness because I think your music, in particular, is something that I go back to over and over again, in order to draw out something in me that feels small that I want to become more robust. Or to draw out something I haven’t been able to fully connect to on my own. Can relate to that, or are there other musicians that do that for you?

David: Thank you. Our entire ethos as a band is to try to create art that inspires empathy. And part of the reason we would say “art that inspires empathy,” is to be human is to also be connected to something bigger than just yourself. 

A lot of times in the West, in America, we tend to think through a Cartesian model of thinking, like, “I think therefore I am,” and it’s only about myself. Our starting point is, to be fully human is always to be a relational being. And we’re always connected to the other. In certain traditions and in certain upbringings, for instance in South Africa, you have the word “ubuntu,” which means “if you are not well, I am not well.” And our connectedness to each other and to the earth and to all of the cosmos. And so part of our band’s ethos is art that inspires empathy. Empathy towards the other will always lead to empathy back toward yourself. Because it’s connected.

John Arndt: I guess my favorite aspect of making music, and The Brilliance is a really great vehicle for this, is it’s an opportunity for me, for us to express ourselves, and to express things we are feeling or things we can’t fully understand, or things we’re struggling with. And the miracle of this process is, in doing that, we create things that somehow resonate with other people. That somehow becomes a voice and a part of their own story. And so in my life as, I am a full-time artist, I’m a full-time writer, and sometimes I’ll have these [moments of], you know, “What are you doing? You should have a salary and a mortgage, and that kind of thing.” And the thought that I have that brings me the most peace about what I’m doing and what we’re doing is, at any given moment on the planet right now, our music is resonating in different rooms. And in different peoples lives, and on some level, our music and our hopes and our dreams are vibrating in the earth and in some way - I hope - making it a little bit more peaceful and a little bit more whole. That thought of the connectedness that comes from us expressing ourselves is a miracle and I’m grateful to be able to be a part of it. 

Allie: That is really true of my experience. Your music has resonated in my soul in a powerful way. 

John: Thank you

Allie: I was curious, given that music is so powerful, and can be such an impactful way of inspiring empathy, inspiring a sense of connectedness to all of humanity, or to others who enjoy that song or piece -- what it's like for you two as artists to wield that sort of power? 

David: I think one, is there is a certain burden, and there is a certain thing where music transcends language. So like melody, if you’re drawn into it you can wrestle with an idea, and you’re feeling it first (and I know this is somewhat metaphorical) but you’re feeling it first in your body, before you’re really comprehending with your mind what’s happening. So I feel like when you have that type of thing with music, when there’s a melody and a thing that’s moving people, there is a certain responsibility to not just try to manipulate things (where you’re trying to write in a certain way that will just cause an emotional response). And a lot of times lyrically that can happen, when you’re writing something, it’s really easy to feel like you’re the hero, or you’re the person that believes the right thing, or you’re the person that controls this power. 

John: So, the huge pit fall in my life in regards to this is I’m always chasing a feeling. My favorite experiences in music, they have to do with hearing something and then having a physical response to it. And for me it's like a feeling in my chest and down my spine, I would say. In general, if I hear something that moves me, it's like a physical sensation. So for me oftentimes, the creative process is an uncovering of that sensation when I discover an idea, or a collection of sounds paired with an idea, that I experience that feeling, and I go, “Ah! This is a thing.” 

What happens when I’m pursuing that on a day to day basis, even in the process of making a song, the big pitfall in my life is becoming a feelings junky. You know, it doesn’t always feel good, and oftentimes it’s work, and how about the 300th time you listen to this same song you’re working on. Just about every song we’ve ever made has been at one point my favorite song I’ve ever heard and my least favorite song that I’ve ever heard. 

(laughter) 

And all of those perspectives on some level are valid. You put a song out there in the world, you’ve got people that go, “That song’s complete bullshit,” and they can have a perfectly valid reason for saying that, and I don’t think they’re wrong, because I’ve probably experienced that perspective too. So what’s tricky then as a result of this, is we want to make music that’s powerful, I want to make music that’s powerful, but then I also want to have a stable emotional life, not get too high, not get too low. So I don’t really have a good answer for that, but I recognize the pitfall in my life. 

Allie: Yeah, that’s so interesting. It makes the music, whatever song you’re working on, sound like its own human to me. 

John and David: Yeah.

Allie: You see all the good parts and all the bad parts. 

John: I was just talking with someone we had been working with that had been sort of offended or hurt by us deleting something. They worked on something, and then we deleted it, and we didn’t even realize, we were like, “Oh, this isn’t quite the right thing,” deleted it, and then it was kind of hurtful to her. And we ended up having this whole discussion about how in my creative life, and in every creative life, the most vulnerable thing about it is you spend all this time, and you discover an idea, maybe its a visual idea, a musical idea, whatever creative idea, and then say you’re working on a film score, working for a client, or whatever, you offer this baby up to them, and oftentimes, you’ll get a response like, “Eh, no. It needs something else, try something else.” Or, “Oh that didn’t really move me.” And you’re like, “It didn’t move you. That’s my baby we’re talking about. That’s my last -- how many hours, how many days?” It’s like, “I was just weeping over that. What the hell are you talking about?”

(laughter)

And learning how to separate yourself, because for me, there’s also this element with creativity where to get to a good idea, you often have to get through a lot of ideas that aren’t that good. But you never would have gotten to that good idea unless you actually took the pathway of these four ideas that led to each other, and all of them end up getting deleted, but they lead you to the fifth idea, which is this incredible song, and you have to be willing to have all this dead stuff you loved as part of that process.

Allie: Yeah.

“A lot of times in the West, in America, we tend to think through a Cartesian model of thinking, like, “I think therefore I am,” and it’s only about myself. Our starting point is, to be fully human is always to be a relational being. And we’re always connected to the other. In certain traditions and in certain upbringings, for instance in South Africa, you have the word “ubuntu,” which means “if you are not well, I am not well.” And our connectedness to each other and to the earth and to all of the cosmos. And so part of our band’s ethos is art that inspires empathy. Empathy towards the other will always lead to empathy back toward yourself. Because it’s connected.”

David: And I think that the most difficult thing about being a person that’s creative, and maybe this will play into relationship ideas as well, but ideas on one hand, we give them human traits, because they come from us, which is awesome. But our ideas are not us. And the reason why I think that’s important, is just like John was saying, if you throw out an idea, and someone for whatever reason rejects it, even if they’re not rejecting it because it’s bad, but just it doesn’t work right now, sometimes we feel like, “You reject my idea, you reject me.” And that’s back to that thing of, whatever your thoughts are, they’re not just you. So you have to be able, in a creative relationship, to have enough humility. And especially in a working environment, your talents and your ego -- I’ve heard this before from my dad, where he’s like, “Your ego is like your fingernails, where if it goes unchecked, it gets really gnarly. (laughter) And on one hand it's good to have some fingernails, you don’t want to have no ego. You want to have some self confidence, you want to have some sense of, “I’m worth this.” But if it goes unchecked, it gets gnarly. If you’re working with people who, [in response to] “Hey, what about this?” are just like, “You’re an idiot. You don’t know. My idea is the right idea, always.” And that’s where I’m like, there's some type of balancing act. It comes out of you, and there is an emotion, there is a baby nature of it because it comes out of you. But it’s also not just you. You are more than just your idea. 

Allie: Yeah, that makes sense. And that makes me wonder, because I know you two have been creating music together for a long time. I’m curious how you have navigated that process of creation together. What’s your collaboration like, and what is it like to go through that process with someone else? How is it for you, experiencing the creation of something that takes on a life of its own, and then sharing in the refining of that with someone else?

David: I think it's very much like any other friendship or relationship or work relationship. John and I have been friends our entire lives, since diapers, we have pictures of us doing stuff. And it’s a friendship that transcends the work relationship. Within the work relationship, we believe and love each other, but also can be honest with one another. And there have been hard times, but it’s also one of those things like in  any relationship, there needs to be communication. Sometimes we have a hard time working together, [due to] my bad communication or a misunderstanding, or not being able to talk about things. But [we also work on] fostering and encouraging what you’re good at, and knowing when to limit. So for instance, we’ve always worked from afar. And one of the things is I have to learn how to edit better in Pro Tools so that when I send John something, it's not a hot mess. And when he is honest and communicates about it in a kind way, it’s like “Oh, I really need to take time in this.” But sometimes it’d be like any other relationship where it’s “Oh, this was bad,” and “I worked so hard on this, it’s bad?!” 

John: You want me to pick up your laundry man?! You want me to pick up your laundry for you? 

David: Exactly. 

(laughter)

David: And that’s where it's like any relationship, and in any work relationship, there’s gonna be tensions, but I feel like learning how to fight well, learning how to communicate well, learning how to trust each other, encourage each other. Learning how to bring out what you do and your weaknesses and actually try to address those weaknesses. But if you ask, “Well what's the bedrock in that?” It’s our friendship! And it doesn’t have to be the only thing that defines our whole life. If John’s only thing is this friendship from a musical side of things, or a life side of things, that would be too much dependence. So there has to be a healthy independence and also a healthy [dependence]. 

Allie: Yeah, I like that. 

John: I guess the only thing I would say is any song, any album, any project is the amalgamation of hundreds of creative decisions. And so it's really important for me, whatever I can give room, where there is a creative decision I don't feel strongly about or I’m not ready to die on that hill, leave room for your collaborators to express themselves, to offer their best ideas. Like “Oh, I didn't think of that,” Or, “Oh, that’s different than what I thought, but that works!” As much as I possibly can, I am leaving space to that, so that when I get to things that are like, “This has to be, it has to be this, [for me]” it can have some weight. Because it’s really easy, especially coming from a classically trained background, there is this desire, or there is this myth that goes around about the creative genius: this sole person who has all of these amazing ideas and is the mastermind. It can be this fantasy that you can get lost in. But any person is better if they open themselves up for collaboration and editing. There is going to be improvement if you can get outside of yourself. 

Allie: Yeah. Oh that’s so interesting. I could see the draw of that kind of fantasy though, because it seems like it would feel reassuring in the process of all the vulnerability of trying to create something. 

John: Right.

Allie: Another thing I was really curious about - you spoke of the power to move emotions through music and how we start out having a bodily experience of that even before our brain can catch up with it - how do you think about the elements of music and how that impacts humans? Like beat, or I know you included a lot of orchestral elements in your most recent album. What are your thoughts on that? 

John: We grew up in a charismatic church, and my first musical education was, to say it bluntly, how certain sounds change the temperature of the room, and certain sounds can derive certain emotions. So if the pastor was talking about a certain thing, or there is a certain type of prayer meeting going on, one of [my first lessons] in musical education was how music, how certain sounds affect people. But then it was later on that I learned technique and theory and history, but yeah the first thing for me was learning how to manipulate people with music. 

David: My brothers are also both into this. And John is more educated than me on music, so I think he would be able to say it better. But there are ideas of chakras in music, where you hear a frequency, and it affects your body differently. And it is funny because, I don’t know how backed it is by science at all, it might be all pseudoscience, but it’s funny like when you hear a normal A, when someone is tuning, when they hit 440 Hz is an American A. But then you go to certain places and they do it differently. Right now in New York, some people tune to 441 Hz, which means it’s like a little bit more sharp, and it seems a little more intense, while in other music, the A, would be like 432 Hz or something. Which is a little more like chill and it affects you differently.

Allie: Oh, wow! 

John: What’s weird is if you go on YouTube and you search 432 Hz vs 440 Hz patterns, you can see in sand and in water that 432 Hz frequencies (so tuned down a little bit) actually create way more stable looking geometrical shapes in matter. Which is, I don't know what to say about that!

David: So, there are theories then on, I mean John would know this better - John, what have they traditionally said is like the saddest key? Or the saddest chord? 

John: I mean I guess it depends on your perspective. Different composers had [different thoughts], like E flat would be heroic and I think C minor might be the most tragic

(laughter)

David: Which I mean, on one end that is totally subjective, but on another end it is funny that in a way music really does move you bodily. It's an actual physical reaction.  

Allie: That’s intriguing, I love hearing your thoughts on that. Is that something that you take into account as you create different pieces? Or is it more of an intuitive process for you?

David: John how would you respond to that?

John: Would we take into account how it affects people? 

Allie: Yeah, different elements and how that affects people. 

John: I mean, I don’t know how to get anyone to listen to something let alone connect with it. But the idea comes and I’m moved by the idea, then the challenge is, how can I package this idea so there is the least amount of barrier between that idea and the people who listen to it. I find that probably most of the time, I end up getting in my own way of trying to deliver an idea. Like, maybe if I put these sprinkles on top, or I add some extra gravy, it will get down the hatch, get someone to like this idea. And it can easily be overdone. 

Allie: What is most meaningful or rewarding to you in the process of creating music right now. 

David: We’ve had stories -- there’s a person whose wife was giving birth, and the child was born not breathing. And he was totally shocked, the room was totally silent, the doctors and nurses were working on this baby, and then one of our songs from our first album came up, Breathe. And the baby breathed. And for them it was this incredibly emotional moment. 

John: There’s this big long dramatic intro, and then the first lyric is breathe. And the baby breathes.

David: So for him, that song is connected to probably his most traumatic moment but also his most intense moment of life. And there are other stories. A lot of times it’s people getting through sadness. I mean there’s some joy and there’s a lot of sadness, where people have lost loved ones or children and our music has meant a lot to them in those times. Or maybe they’ve been dealing with existential anxiety or loss of faith, or different things, where the music has gotten them through something. And that’s where you’re like, “This is so much bigger than us.” Because through the person who is engaging the music, it takes on a life of its own, and it moves from being just an idea. When it’s shared, now it really does have a life. And that life doesn’t just belong to us. And that’s where we find the most meaningful things: different stories of people engaging with the music, and it's so much bigger than us. John what would you say?

John: That is a big part, a huge gift. And our conception for making music as The Brilliance has always been: it comes from us it comes from our hearts, but it’s always connected to something bigger. So for some people at first glance the name The Brilliance is like “Oh man, sounds like we’ve got some egos here.” But for me The Brilliance has always been about something bigger than us. So whatever it is, there’s always something bigger in play. So in our lives, we’re partnering with organizations. This fall we were on a tour with Preemptive Love who do all this work in places affected by war. And World Relief, in partnership with DACA Dreamers, and we’re often involved in a mission of some kind, and that feels amazing and also makes it feel like we have a real job and are helping people. I love that. 

But then also in my life right now, I just moved to Paris, so one of my dreams about my Paris time -- and I think this has to do with my midwestern upbringing or something, I have a hard time making music if i don't feel like I’m serving something or working, there's some kind of midwestern work ethic, like, “What is this, all about yourself? You know, you’re just sitting around tinkering around, dilly dallying? You should have a mortgage by now.” That kind of thing. (laughter)

But one goal I have, outside of The Brilliance (we have a lot of music coming up, and a lot of really beautiful stuff that I’m so excited about), I really want to make something beautiful just for the sake of it being beautiful, and not connected to any outside justification, or philosophy... just a beautiful thing. I’m gonna wander around Paris and make something pretty, because I can also do that in this world. And I feel so grateful, I don't take it lightly. So I'm pursuing that as much as I can. 

Allie: Wow. Well thank you both from the bottom of my heart. It's a real privilege for me to get to talk with you.

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The Brilliance, a band made up of long-time friends Jon Arndt and David Gungor, is an eclectic CCM/worship music duo who combine indie pop, folk, and classical elements. They released their official full-length debut, 'Brother,' through Integrity Music in 2015, which garnered critical acclaim, peaking at number 36 on the Billboard Christian Albums chart. 'All Is Not Lost,' the duo's much-anticipated sophomore Integrity release, arrived in 2017, this time reaching number 20 on the Christian chart and breaking into the Heatseekers chart as well. In 2018, the Brilliance turned their creative attention to politics -- specifically DACA and the plight of the undocumented DREAMers facing deportation in the U.S.

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Allison (Allie) Ramsey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Therapist. Allie works with individuals on a broad range of issues, including anxiety, depression, relational challenges, faith integration, divorce, and aging. 

Home: Belonging

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

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“Who would you be if you trusted it was safe to belong?”
--Madison Morrigan

As a bicultural woman in the world, cultivating a true sense of belonging has not always been an easy task. You see, looking back, there were many times in my life when I felt like the outsider rather than the insider. In the early days of my quest for belonging, I found myself being a chameleon of sorts -- carefully reading the room, anticipating the needs of others (often times before they even knew it), and acting in ways I perceived to be most acceptable to the environment or group I happened to be in. All this "blending in" ultimately came at the cost of my self-erasure.

Since then, a significant part of my growth process has been learning to pay more loving attention to myself -- that is, integrating the many different parts of my identity and personhood, honoring my needs, and living out my truths. My journey “home,” simply put, has been about finding a voice and belonging from within. And this, simultaneously, has led me to discover people and places to safely belong to as me.

Truth be told, there are costly sacrifices to be made on the way to real belonging -- because when it comes time to inhabit one’s next self, it may require breaking away from old habits, traditions, expectations, markers of security, and even certain relationships. These were all once things of real value that could be counted on, that held the former self together in a particular way.

I believe that working as a therapist has created in me an even greater sense of belonging and being at home in the world. I belong myself to those who are suffering, to those who are seeking relief and comfort. As I encounter people from all walks of life in the therapy room, as well as out in the community at large, I see the whole of the human family as indeed my own. I like to say to them, as I've said to myself, “You are welcome in my company just as you are. You are important to me.”

As we co-create spaces of belonging, we witness the shedding of protective layers and connect to our deepest humanity. And whether this process brings up excitement, curiosity, anxiety, sadness, grief, or anger, let us say, “There is a place for these feelings. They belong here, too.”

“Truth be told, there are costly sacrifices to be made on the way to real belonging — because when it comes time to inhabit one’s next self, it may require breaking away from old habits, traditions, expectations, markers of security, and even certain relationships.”

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HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

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Tracy Lee, LMFT, offers holistic, culturally-sensitive therapy. She is passionate about Asian American mental health and BIPOC issues, including racial trauma, cultural identity challenges, intergenerational conflict, etc.

Home: A Delicious, Improvised Meal

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

I still remember how satisfying it was when I learned to mimic the knife skills of my favorite Food Network stars. My weekend mornings weren’t spent watching cartoons, but rather visualizing myself leaning over the kitchen countertops on the sets of Emeril Lagasse and Ming Tsai, taking in their knowledge of flavors, textures, cooking temperatures, and more.  I would watch on the television, and then transfer what I learned to the ingredients in my refrigerator and pantry. While I’m sure I began with some basic recipes, my most salient culinary memories include the meals that emerged out of what was already available in the house. It was deeply gratifying to craft a meal by paying deep attention to my senses and eventually ending up with something that pleased the palate. This was the magic of cooking.

As we have spent this season at MHT reflecting on home, I’ve felt sensitive to how the word could evoke rather complicated feelings and associations for many, myself included. I immediately turned to my relationship with cooking as a metaphor because in those early years of teaching myself how to work with food, I believe I was simultaneously learning about the complexity of working with what one’s been handed in this life. Feeling at home in one’s family, in one’s self, in any given place, is a complicated task that can require confronting and working through a lot of pain or hardship. Finding and experiencing a true sense of home does not come with an easily translatable recipe – rather it requires spending the time making contact with the experiences and relationships one has had, accepting and finding the usefulness in it all (or throwing out what is spoiled!), and improvising to account for what is lacking. Finding home takes as many adjustments as needed along the way until you land somewhere that is nourishing. 

Yes, home is a delicious and hard-won meal that I take pride in sharing with others.

“Finding and experiencing a true sense of home does not come with an easily translatable recipe – rather it requires spending the time making contact with the experiences and relationships one has had, accepting and finding the usefulness in it all (or throwing out what is spoiled!), and improvising to account for what is lacking.”

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HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

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Lauren Furutani, MA, LMFT, helps individuals and families of all ethnic and faith backgrounds maneuver through the unexpected turns in life. She is also Client Care Coordinator at Michelle Harwell Therapy.

Home: Refuge

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“...home...is any place where I feel safe to experience all the different human emotions with other safe humans present - a refuge amidst change and uncertainty.”

Eleven years ago, my childhood home burned down in a wildfire. I no longer lived there, but many of my memories did. There were the obvious losses like family photos that were irreplaceable--most of which were not digitized. However, other things that I missed took me by surprise: light blue bed sheets, a brown and red afghan, my doll house that I'd had since childhood, blue rimmed plates my parents received at their wedding, old yearbooks with signatures, and my collection of notes and cards. I miss all of our family's eclectic Christmas ornaments that had been gathered over many years and included a popcorn chain for the tree my parents made in the 80s (maybe we saved that one a little too long, but it held so many memories).

The year of the fire, I came back to my hometown for Christmas with some feelings of dread. Could my parents’ replacement rental feel like home? I needn’t have worried. I quickly realized it was the people who gathered there that made it home. My family, my friends, my neighbors, and my extended community all rallied round. Miraculously, no one lost their life in this particular wildfire, and being back, and seeing the damage made the danger of the fire more real to me. It also made me think about how much more we could have lost. It was people that mattered. And it was the kindness of people that helped my family get some of the basic material things they needed to get back on track in the short term.

It was with these people, my family and friends, that I took refuge. Refuge is the word I chose to describe my sense of home because it means being safe or sheltered, and home is a safe place for me - a place that can hold me during the many storms of life. There are familiar and sentimental material things in my home now that make it feel special, comfortable, and welcoming to me, and the actual structural component of a physical home is important for survival. However, I know the feeling of home is more than the material things. It is any place where I feel safe to experience all the different human emotions with other safe humans present - a refuge amidst change and uncertainty.

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HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

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Sarah Butcher, LMFT, specializes in treating children, teens, new and postpartum parents, and young adults. Her work with children in developmental play therapy led to her certification as a DIR Intermediate Floortime provider.

Spirituality as Process

Maybe you, like me, sometimes wonder what spirituality really consists of. How can anyone really understand or know this realm of reality that transcends, but is inseparably involved with, the material? My thought is it’s not quite knowable. Or maybe better put, it’s not ‘master-able’ by our methods of knowing. It’s the kind of thing that can’t be all-the-way understood or written about comprehensively in a textbook.

And yet, there is something concrete about spirituality -- that is, it seems that a full-hearted seeking after spiritual life, truth, and goodness does bring about significant change over time. Sometimes in quiet ways inside of individuals and sometimes in powerful and surging ways that had seemed impossible.

My own life has felt rather upended by my spiritual experiences at certain times. To be honest, that is probably what I most want -- and simultaneously am most afraid will happen. There are also times my spiritual life has felt dry, so dry it’s made me think, “What if this is a desert, and all those memories of abundant, vibrant liveliness were only ever mirages?”

“Maybe you, like me, sometimes wonder what spirituality really consists of.
...My thought is: it’s not quite knowable.”

Lately I’ve been considering a new thing, for me, regarding spirituality. And that is the importance of “process over content.” (We talk about this quite a bit in therapy training. It’s a foundational goal of therapists to learn to pay attention to the pattern of things that are playing out, rather than attending only to those things that are explicitly named or spoken about in the moment). 

Applying this to my own Christian spirituality has meant learning to pay attention not only to the words of Jesus on the topic of spirituality, but also to his process -- the overall pattern of life he lived out as an example of cultivating a spiritual life. His times of solitude, service, prayer, fasting, and teaching are all different parts of the important picture of his spiritual process. As I’ve reflected on this, I have been challenged to be honest with myself about my own spiritual “process.”  What are my patterns of action and inaction? What do my actions show my spirituality is really about? To put it to a sciency metaphor that appeals to me: What’s the “center of mass” of my way of living? The answers to these kinds of questions left me feeling discontent and hungry for more in my life. That turned out to be a transformative place to start.

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Allison (Allie) Ramsey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Therapist who works with individuals on a broad range of issues, including anxiety, depression, relational challenges, faith integration, divorce, and aging. 

Greeting Change in Your Life: Lessons Learned from Ayurvedic Specialist Rita Burgos

Summer’s twilight is upon us.  And this is your friendly (near end of summer) reminder that change behooves us to be extra gentle, tender, and compassionate with ourselves.

The new season may bring small and/or large scale changes into your life.  You will gladly welcome some of these changes — ones that you will find to be necessary, refreshing, healing, even.  As a result, you may become more connected to your authentic self.  And other changes will be thrust upon you unexpectedly – in ways you could not have imagined. They may cause you to wrestle begrudgingly with yourself, with others, or both.  It can take some time before moving from a place of resistance to a place of acceptance. 

“Often times, you cannot determine WHEN change happens, HOW it happens, WHO it happens to, or IF it even happens at all. But nevertheless, change is the movement that gets us in touch with our aliveness.”

Rita Burgos

When the growing tribe of clinicians here at Michelle Harwell Therapy gathered for our weekly professional training in late June, we were treated to a talk on “Routines & Rhythms” by Rita Burgos.  Rita is a local Clinical Ayurvedic Specialist and Classical Yoga Nidra who is deeply passionate about wellness and holistic healing.  Her calm, centered presence in the group meeting room quickly signaled to me that she had wisdom to offer. 

One thing Rita said that struck me on a personal level went something like this, “The things you can control, or count on, give you much more strength and grounding to handle the things you cannot control in life.”

Oh, how I knew this statement to be so true ! She was totally speaking my language!  And what a timely reminder it was for me, and I’m sure many others, in that moment. 

Rita spoke in further detail about the daily routines that align us with nature’s rhythm each day, each week, each month, each year.  I walked away with a sense of wanting to – no, needing to – live more attuned with my body’s natural cues and needs, more in sync with the natural order of the world. 

My ongoing personal takeaway from Rita was that healthy habits can give us a grounding framework for living and thriving, especially when experiencing overwhelming or destabilizing change.

Often times, you cannot determine WHEN change happens, HOW it happens, WHO it happens to, or IF it even happens at all. But nevertheless, change is the movement that gets us in touch with our aliveness. It is a necessary ingredient for growth.

What feels grounding to me, particularly in the face of change? Good sleep hygiene, healthy food intake, practicing the “pause” (mindfulness), physical exercise, a creative outlet, a good soak in nature, plenty of unstructured down-time, solitude, and connecting in meaningful ways with like-minded humans.

What feels grounding to you? The following questions may be helpful for checking-in with yourself.

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Tracy Lee, LMFT, offers holistic, culturally-sensitive therapy. She is especially passionate about serving Asian-Americans facing unique cultural challenges, identity issues, and intergenerational conflict.

Failure: An Expected Guest

“...losing taught me freedom. ”

When I was in college, I was a sprinter (for you track fans out there, the 400m dash was my main event). Many, many training sessions, pairs of shoes, taped feet, and ice baths later, one of the most valuable things I gained was getting used to failure.

I’m actually pretty competitive, so don’t be misled into thinking I don’t care about winning. (Ha!) But while the drive to win taught me discipline, confidence, and focus, losing taught me freedom.

Regular public failure required me to develop a sense of security beyond success, and once I had it, I was able to freely find the edge of my capacity and risk stepping beyond it.

In my post college years, I have looked back on my experience with failure in athletics as a season of “training wheels.” The risks and failures I ventured into in that season had few real world consequences.

“...I was able to freely find the edge of my capacity and risk stepping beyond it.”

These days, I find that my failures often carry a much bigger ripple effect, affecting the lives of those I care about. It’s challenged me to again develop a sense of security beyond perfection. Really, no system that depends on me to be perfect is very secure, though I think it can have that illusion. “If I could just perform perfectly, things will be alright in my own life and the lives of those I care for.”

But really, things became much more secure when I got honest with myself and others about the reality of failure as part of my existence and my best efforts to help. That honesty allowed me to think of responding to my own failures as part of “normal life.” Not something to be rigidly prevented or defended against, but allowed in as an expected guest.

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Allison (Allie) Ramsey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Therapist. Allie works with individuals on a broad range of issues, including anxiety, depression, relational challenges, faith integration, divorce, and aging. 

Sitting in the Muck

“Fermentation that leads to cheese is this process that begins with sitting in muck allowing for some ugliness to rise to the surface, all for the purpose of the beautiful, emotional experience that is a great cheese.”

It may not be comforting to hear, but when I think about the process of fermentation…I think about my work with couples.  Fermentation that leads to cheese is this process that begins with sitting in muck allowing for some ugliness to rise to the surface, all for the purpose of the beautiful, emotional experience that is a great cheese. I often tell couples at the beginning of our work together that at times they may feel worse before they feel better.  This is because a part of couples therapy is coming to weekly (or more) sessions and talking about the parts of each individual and of their “us” that have long gone ignored or have felt too vulnerable or scary to bring up.  The times that have been shoved down further and further so that the couple can function and pretend like life is going on as planned.  However, as we continue to work together, those ugly pieces that rise to the surface and make themselves known are also the pieces that help us to allow for positive growth. Growth that comes from the good kind of fermentation- where we sit in the muck so that we may reach the beautiful, emotional experience that is an authentic connection. So here’s to cheese, here’s to couples therapy, and here’s to growing some weird stuff before we make it to the beauty. 

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Janie McGlasson, MS, LMFT works extensively with adolescents, adults, and couples and specializes in the areas of attachment, trauma, and grief.