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The Resilience of a Long-Distance Runner: An Interview with Nadia Ruiz, Educator and Coach

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The Resilience of a Long-Distance Runner: An Interview with Nadia Ruiz, Educator and Coach

Eryn Lewis: Hello! Good to see you.

Nadia Ruiz: You too!

Eryn: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me. We’re just gonna jump right in..and again, I so appreciate you talking with me. For back story here, my colleague Tracy and I are curating a newsletter around the theme of resilience. As I was considering the people in life who really mirror the true definition of resilience, you came to mind. So, I’d love to hear what comes to mind for you to be thought of as so closely connected to what I consider resilient. And also could you describe a little about what you do and about who you are?

Nadia: Yeah, so my name is Nadia Ruiz. I’m an endurance coach and also a biology educator. My background is in education, endurance sports, and also in [sports] competition. I’ve been teaching for 10 years - biology. And I’ve been a competitive athlete for 22 years and have been coaching for 15 years. So, all of them have meshed together and created who I am over time. In regard to resilience or resiliency, when I saw that word, I definitely remembered that moment when we were at the retreat - that self-development retreat where you had to choose one word that you feel best represents yourself. And it was really interesting how we were kinda close together and we were both like “Resiliency, yes!” We personally know our journeys but sometimes others may not know about our struggles. And coming out of those struggles is really important. The word resilience definitely has a significant meaning for me.

Eryn: A little background for those you don’t know…I know Nadia because she was my coach for my first LA marathon…or first marathon. So, in that time when were training, we were able to go to different retreats with our team of 10, and we were able to do a lot of mindfulness exercises practices. That’s what Nadia is talking about…a time when we were able to go to Joshua Tree as a team, and we found that word that felt so fitting to describe our running experience. So..what inspired you to become a runner? Can you tell us a bit about that?

Nadia: It was by accident. It was in middle school; around that age. I did not come from sports. I didn’t do team sports. I had two left foot. Really any team sports was kinda difficult for you. So, I was doing my homework one night and I saw the Ironman World Championship on TV. And I was like “What is this!?” People are basically racing all day from sunrise to sunset. I just didn’t really understand…wow, what is this?!? It’s a 2.4 mile swim, a 112-mile bicycle ride and a 26.2-mile run. And when I actually thought about it, I was like, “Wow, the human body can actually do that! That’s amazing.”  Professional athletes have always inspired me. They are amazing people. But what really touched my soul was the real stories of the real people who had full-time [non-athletic] careers, who were parents, who were overcoming a divorce, who were overcoming such struggle in their life, and they gave themselves this goal to complete an Ironman. I felt really inspired and thought I think I could do that. If these real people who are struggling with something in their lives can make this goal for themselves without having any particular ‘talent’ or career as a professional athlete, then why can’t I? Why can’t I try at least? So, I started doing the research. I found that it was an expensive sport. I had to be 18 years old to compete. I thought, let me start with one of the three sports that might be the easiest to get into so that I could go ahead and start. So, I started with running. And I thought, okay, marathon, let me sign up! I did my first marathon when I was 14 years old. I had just started cross-country [running] in high school. I hadn’t run anything more than 5 miles. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was just signing up [for the marathon] completely blindfolded. I told my parents about a week before the race - the LA Marathon in 1999 - that I signed up for it. I said, “Someone else on the cross-country team is running it with me, and I think I can do it.” My dad was 40 years old at the time, and he was like “How? And why is my daughter doing this? I’m not gonna let her do it by yourself?”

Eryn: How old were you again?

Nadia: 14! And my dad was 40. We did our first marathon together, and we had not run more than 5 miles ever. And it was only two days before the marathon that we had our longest training run. These are all the wrong things to do when you train for a marathon! (laughs) That first marathon was the absolute biggest enlightening experience of self-discovery, of my mind, of my mental strength, of the physical pain that I can endure as a 14-year old. The more you’re unprepared for something, the more it becomes painful to go through. Sharing with my dad was even more special. It was at mile 12 that I finally just sat down at the curb, and felt like I was defeated…completely emotionally defeated; physically defeated, everything, and I said “I’m not going to reach my goal.” I was so used to be an over-achiever and for me to feel defeated and e to hug my legs and start crying of pain….My dad just kneeled next to me and he said: “Mija, we’re in this together. I’m here with you. We’re gonna finish. If you put you’re mind to it, you can do anything. You can do anything.” I had no excuse. If my dad, someone who loves me, is counting on me, then that really counts.

Image source: https://nadiatherunner.blogspot.com/

Image source: https://nadiatherunner.blogspot.com/

Eryn: He really believed in you!

Nadia: Yeah, I stood up and we finished that race together, hand in hand, crying. And that’s when I fell in love with running. I fell in love with running.

Eryn: That was your first race?

Nadia: That was my first marathon.

Eryn: Okay, wow, what an experience — and one to run with your father! It sounds like it’s such a beautiful perspective — that running is a mind, body, and emotional experience. And you as a 14-year old were able to say, “Oh my goodness, these IronMan athletes are able do this even considering all that is happening in their lives.”  You were consciously considering that. And you saw that it wasn’t a barrier for them and how there’s a true resilience in that. And we will get into that later about how obstacles have influenced your running career and life. Yeah, I love that perspective. We’re gonna shift gears a little bit. This now a career for you. You’re training people now…and you’ve been doing this for years now. You started running as an athlete at 14. How long has this been a career for you?

Nadia: Coaching? For 15 years. 

Eryn: Oh, that’s right. 

Nadia: I was able to pick up coaching while I was teaching. So, I first started coaching cross-county and track and then I started coaching for LAUSD and for Students Run LA. And then I started coaching for companies; brands, and it kinda evolved from there. 

Eryn: Has your gender or racial identity impacted your experience in the running world?

Nadia: Yes. In very unique way. I was trying to think about this concept in light of what’s going on today. Over time, maybe the more competitive I got, I think I was made more aware of my gender. It was hard to be a competitive female. Because sometimes females don’t want to be as competitive or they feel challenged in a way and want a safe space. And they don’t feel like high competition for females can be a safe space. But it’s mining the right way to communicate about it; finding the right way to connect people in order for it not to be an issue and be something that helps uplifts you. Same thing with racial identity. Even when I was competitive in the Boston Marathon.. Typically, for most races it’s mostly 60% female and 40% . But for Boston, it’s actually reversed. So, it’s a race where you have to qualify so anywhere between 60-65% are male and then the rest is female. I even reached out to the BAA [Boston Athletic Association] to ask why is this so. And they said, “Well, we’re trying…we’ve had to change the qualification times to encourage women to qualify more; to be part of the field. And we want more women representation. So, the standards are a little more relaxed for females.” So, that’s great and that does encourage women…But whenever I run the Boston Marathon, I do notice the racial [makeup] is different, minorities aren’t really represented as much. There’s a lot of factors to that, it’s not only just race, it’s also socioeconomic. It’s also the cost of the race, the cost to travel. Going to Boston and New York are probably one of the most expensive race weekends, because everything usually is hiked up for the city. Again, there’s a lot of factors that play into it. I do feel, just having a science background, even when I used to be in my lecture halls, there was an under-representation of minorities. And it wasn’t just Latina, it wasn’t just one particular race. It was minorities that were underrepresented. And I’ve had to battle with that my whole life, whether it’s in running, whether it’s in academia, or whether it’s in my work. But I don’t allow that to be a factor that holds me down. Instead, it motivates me. It motivates me to keep working hard. Even if I have to work harder, that’s ok. I can’t let myself down. I can’t let my family down. I come from an immigrant family, where my parents have left everything. They left everything in their country and came with nothing and they built something. And they made that sacrifice for their children. So for me, if my parents can do that, then I can overcome this obstacle. I can find a way, even if it is hard. Even if I sometimes feel like I am struggling. So, resiliency does come into play there, too.

Eryn: You said “battling through it” or “pushing through it,” was there anything that helped you in moving through that? Whether you used your voice to advocate for yourself and your racial identity? Or have you felt like you could have a voice behind the struggles that you’ve experienced?

Nadia: I do know that the more a person struggles, the more important it is to find a support group and find someone that can help you get out of it, because there were times that I felt “I’m just going to tuck my head in, and try to grind through it by myself” - but it’s not a safe way. It could work sometimes, but most of the time, if you’re really struggling, it’s important to connect with people who might understand your story, who have already overcome that same obstacle and can guide you and help you. I’ve realized every time that I feel like I’ve hit a real low in my life, or a real big challenge or struggle, maybe I’ll try to overcome it alone, but it’s not easy. The moment that people reach out to me, or I find that support group to help, it’s a lot more heartwarming and I’m able to overcome it.

Eryn: It’s a good reminder that we can’t do this life alone, especially with these significant obstacles, and that it’s really important to connect with the people who are struggling with a similar thing. I’d say that ties in really well with what’s going on in our communities today. Not only if you’re not experiencing it, being from a learner perspective, but people who have experienced it firsthand, it’s really important that they have a community of people who have experienced it. A shared experience can really be healing. So, thank you for sharing that.

Have you faced setbacks or obstacles in your running, life, or career? What has that looked like? And how have you gotten past that and pushed through those obstacles?

Nadia: Definitely yes, obstacles have happened throughout my life. Whether it be through the smaller ones in high school, the more challenging ones in college, grad school, developing your life, teaching – I think the most vivid obstacles this year have been a big challenge. I feel like I’m getting every obstacle thrown at me over the last year. It’s a learning period, it’s a period of taking it one day at a time and understanding what’s happening. But I’m still remaining to the core of trying to be positive, proactive, and trying to see the end of each obstacle and try to tackle them and not put them all on one plate and not think that I can do it alone. So the obstacles have definitely been there, and a whole lot recently, as many of us are challenged with what’s happening in the world.

Eryn: You’ve been doing this for 15 years, and all of the sudden in this past year, things have shifted dramatically for you in your career. I’m curious how those 15 years have set you up to be able to survive and live through this pandemic. Do you feel set up to bear all the obstacles of COVID-19 and everything that has come your way? Has that been a good foundation for you?

Nadia: Definitely, yes. One reason is my dad has always said “Make sure you plan for a rainy day.” Make sure you plan for when there’s a storm coming, not just for a day, or a week, or maybe months – there’s going to be lows for a period of your life. And I thought previously that there were lows and challenges that I’ve had to overcome, but nothing like what I’ve had to overcome this past year, and especially in the last 6 months. This 6 months have been a very trying period. Everything I’ve learned, everything I’ve built, everything I’ve saved, everything I’ve gone through in the 35 years of my life has allowed me to take on the tsunami of obstacles I’ve had this past 6 months. It’s all in the mindset, it’s all in skills, it’s all in saving. Then another key aspect is creativity and being creative and positive. So many coaches and people in the creative field and independent contractors have been challenged at this time. We’ve lost everything. Either our entire business or a significant portion of our business. We’re trying to find a pivot. How can we evolve with what’s happening? How can we still remain positive with what’s happening? How can we continuously be informed of what’s happening, but also plan not only for 3 months ahead, 6 months ahead, but for the coming years, and as things keep changing every day and every week, it’s just staying in that creative and positive mindset and trying to flourish.

Eryn: It’s such a crucial time to make sure your mind stays healthy. Especially with all these obstacles and a lot of unknowns that are happening. The mindset and keeping your mind sharp and creative sounds like it’s pulling you out of the muck as you continue to experience and bear these obstacles that are coming, whether you know its coming or not, you keep your mind sharp, and you can finish this long, long race that we just don’t know when it’s going to end and what it’s going to look like. 

Nadia Ruiz, Educator and Coach

Image source: https://nadiatherunner.blogspot.com/

So, thank you! Thank you so much for your vulnerability and your honesty and taking this time. I know that it’s hard to find time, especially through this new normal, and trying to find a routine and trying to find opportunities to still tell your story, because I know that that’s been something that these last 15 years has truly been about – being that inspiration and that coach and being in big communities and sharing your voice. I know that you’ve impacted a lot of people. So I appreciate you carving out this time in your crazy schedule now. I want to give you an opportunity to share one last message of encouragement with our community. I’m curious what that would be considering what we’re all going through, what you’re going through, what’s one message that could collectively support our community in this time that you would want to leave to end our conversation.

Nadia: I think the one thing I can definitely resonate with right now is – it’s ok to feel what you feel. Emotions are real. If you’re feeling weak, if you’re feeling sad, whatever it is that you’re feeling, it’s ok to feel it. Know you’re not alone. Know that you can get through this, but you have to reach out to that support circle in your life of people that love you. Because there are people in your life that love you, that want to see you achieve and succeed and overcome the obstacles you’re overcoming. Recognize those feelings and embrace yourself. I know sometimes it’s very, very hard, and you’re in a low moment, but embrace those emotions and reach out.

Eryn: I love that. Thank you so much! I wish I could give you a hug. I’ll air hug you from here!

Nadia: Well, we’ve shared so many memories together and it’s been such a pleasure. Even just to hear your voice, it’s just a reminder of the joys that we’ve shared together. It’s just always been a pleasure.

Eryn: Same. You’re an inspiration to me, so I really, really appreciate you. I could hear your story multiple times and hear something different and hear something inspiring and motivating. SO I’m encouraged and I hope others are as well!

Nadia: Thank you!


Nadia Ruiz, MA, is an educator, endurance athlete, and coach. By the age of 28, Nadia earned the title as “The Youngest Latina to Run 100 Marathons in the World.” She can be found on Instagram here: @irongirlnadia.


Eryn Lewis, MA, is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, IMF #186959, working under the professional supervision of Gabrielle Taylor, PhD, Psy #22054. Eryn works with individuals, couples and families on a broad range of issues including anxiety, depression, parent-child challenges, trauma, sexual abuse, and marital issues.

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Greeting Change in Your Life: Lessons Learned from Ayurvedic Specialist Rita Burgos

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Greeting Change in Your Life: Lessons Learned from Ayurvedic Specialist Rita Burgos

Summer’s twilight is upon us.  And this is your friendly (near end of summer) reminder that change behooves us to be extra gentle, tender, and compassionate with ourselves.

The new season may bring small and/or large scale changes into your life.  You will gladly welcome some of these changes — ones that you will find to be necessary, refreshing, healing, even.  As a result, you may become more connected to your authentic self.  And other changes will be thrust upon you unexpectedly – in ways you could not have imagined. They may cause you to wrestle begrudgingly with yourself, with others, or both.  It can take some time before moving from a place of resistance to a place of acceptance. 

Often times, you cannot determine WHEN change happens, HOW it happens, WHO it happens to, or IF it even happens at all. But nevertheless, change is the movement that gets us in touch with our aliveness.
Rita Burgos

Rita Burgos

When the growing tribe of clinicians here at Michelle Harwell Therapy gathered for our weekly professional training in late June, we were treated to a talk on “Routines & Rhythms” by Rita Burgos.  Rita is a local Clinical Ayurvedic Specialist and Classical Yoga Nidra who is deeply passionate about wellness and holistic healing.  Her calm, centered presence in the group meeting room quickly signaled to me that she had wisdom to offer. 

One thing Rita said that struck me on a personal level went something like this, “The things you can control, or count on, give you much more strength and grounding to handle the things you cannot control in life.”

Oh, how I knew this statement to be so true ! She was totally speaking my language!  And what a timely reminder it was for me, and I’m sure many others, in that moment. 

Rita spoke in further detail about the daily routines that align us with nature’s rhythm each day, each week, each month, each year.  I walked away with a sense of wanting to – no, needing to – live more attuned with my body’s natural cues and needs, more in sync with the natural order of the world. 

My ongoing personal takeaway from Rita was that healthy habits can give us a grounding framework for living and thriving, especially when experiencing overwhelming or destabilizing change.

Often times, you cannot determine WHEN change happens, HOW it happens, WHO it happens to, or IF it even happens at all. But nevertheless, change is the movement that gets us in touch with our aliveness. It is a necessary ingredient for growth.

What feels grounding to me, particularly in the face of change? Good sleep hygiene, healthy food intake, practicing the “pause” (mindfulness), physical exercise, a creative outlet, a good soak in nature, plenty of unstructured down-time, solitude, and connecting in meaningful ways with like-minded humans.

What feels grounding to you? The following questions may be helpful for checking-in with yourself.

IMG_2976 2.JPG

Tracy Lee, LMFT, offers holistic, culturally-sensitive therapy. She is especially passionate about serving Asian-Americans facing unique cultural challenges, identity issues, and intergenerational conflict.

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The Freedom of Movement

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The Freedom of Movement

I fancy myself an amateur athlete. I love to move, to challenge myself, to constantly find facility over a physical skill. But there are modes of movement that I’ve shied away from because of a self-defeating belief that I cannot (or I am not made to) move that way.

‘You’re in over your head. You could leave right now. Nobody would know,’ I heard my inner critic say.

These beliefs have influenced specific movement patterns in my body – they are often linear and (sometimes) rigid. I run, lift weights, and move through yoga classes where poses are performed within the confines of a 2x6 foot mat. Over time I have noticed that my propensity towards these kinds movements parallels how I tend to orient within the world: I can be rigid in my thinking; I often follow rules with little question; if not attentive, I can slide into being dogmatic– focusing on the expectation or goal, forgoing my intuition, and lead myself into danger, injury, or overload.

Knowing that I have a tendency toward being overly controlled (in mind and body), I began to wonder about ways I could still enjoy the endorphins released by exercise while moving outside my proverbial fitness box. This wondering led me back to my self-effacing beliefs, to all the ways I’ve thought I was not made move: flowing, fluid, emotionally evocative, somatically dynamic.

I have always envied dancers. These artists (using their bodies as an instrument) tell stories in ways that are nothing short of miraculous. The control and skill needed to move so freely is a paradox that intrigues me. And my awe of them has always kept me an observer. My inner critic has scared me from engaging with such freedom in my own movement.

As I mused on this month’s theme of freedom here at MHT, I thought about how my inner-critic keeps me a prisoner of my own false beliefs. I know my critic functions (albeit misguidedly) to keep me safe. By assuming I am terrible at something, I don’t try. And if I don’t try, there’s no chance of failure. The critic helps me stay “good” and safe within my pre-conceived/contrived limits. 

Lauren Ziel, MSW.jpg

But what if being good isn’t the point? I know that many of my athletic pursuits are motivated by wanting to gain speed, power, strength – some measurable unit of improvement. But there I go again thinking linearly. What if mastering movement isn’t the point? What if simply being movement is the point?

This reframe in intention brought me to The Sweat Spot - an unassuming dance studio tucked between a hip vintage clothing store and vinyl record shop (it’s in Silver Lake… so go figure). My heart was pounding. I hadn’t been in a dance studio since the screeching failure that was pre-k ballet lessons. I didn’t feel like I belonged here.

I’d paid and pre-registered for a class called Gaga People. If it was a Lady Gaga themed drag queen party, I actually might have been more comfortable.

Gaga People, developed by renowned dancer and choreographer Ohad Naharin, is described as a ‘movement language’. The class facilitates space for people to tune into a deep awareness with their present physical sensations and invites exploration and interpretation of those sensations with expressive movement (i.e.- movement language). The point of the class is to be the movement, to embody the sensations that are experienced.

I had no idea what to expect. I filled out a waiver and proceeded to a small staging area with benches, cubbies, and an in-wall window into the studio space. The preceding class was finishing up. I watched in awe as dozens of dancers performed some kind of primal modern choreography. The staging area began to fill with other Gaga attendees; they seemed un-phased by the talent on display. 

“You’re in over your head. You could leave right now. Nobody would know”, I heard my inner critic say.

But what if being good isn’t the point?

Before I knew it, flushed and exuberant faces began cascading from the studio into the staging area. I pressed myself up against the closest wall and waited for my turn to walk into the studio – feeling like a cow being corralled toward the slaughterhouse.

There were more than two dozen of us - various ages, genders, ethnicities, & bodies all taking up a small portion of dance floor real estate. The instructor came to the center of the room and invited us to look at our hands and begin to move our fingers. 

“Imagine that each of your knuckles could move in all directions…” she said, “…like a ball & socket joint. Imagine and try to find as much movement in the joints of your fingers as you can find in your hips or shoulders.”

I knew (thanks to high school biology) that it was physically impossible but I was intrigued by what it felt like to try anyway. My mind was fully present in the sensations and efforts of my fingers, palms, and forearms. I had a fleeting feeling of expansiveness. I was trying to move in a way that I logically knew was impossible… and yet I acted into it anyway and felt more alive due to my effort. In that moment, I understood and embodied freedom.

Faulkner once wrote:  “We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.” That Gaga class let me practice freedom. It helped me experience how I imprison myself, restrict my own freedoms, and how I can decide to let them go whenever I choose. 

For anyone interested in finding some embodied freedom, The Sweat Spot offers their Gaga People class Thursdays at 1pm. They’re located at 3327 Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90026.


Lauren Ziel, MSW is a Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker, ASW #76483, working under the supervision of Saralyn Masselink, LCSW . Through the use of movement and mindfulness, Lauren develops specialized treatment for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, challenges in life-stage transitions, relational difficulties, and identity/intrapersonal development.

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Mindfully Living and Parenting in the Digital Age: An Interview with Technology Expert Jeff Harwell

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Mindfully Living and Parenting in the Digital Age: An Interview with Technology Expert Jeff Harwell

Taz Morgan: I’m here with Jeff Harwell. He is our guest this month. We’re centering our theme around social media and technology. With any theme that we are exploring, we don’t just wanna say “Oh, this thing is all bad. Or this thing is all good.” We are interested in the nuances. This is a huge topic that we are trying to grapple with, but we’re interested in how both social media and technology in general are impacting our lives and our client’s lives. In prepping for this interview, I was thinking through episodes of Black Mirror that I’ve watched. [Laughs]. But why don’t you, Jeff, start with telling us about what you do for work?

Jeff Harwell: I’m the Chief Technology Officer at Fuller Theological Seminary…I’ve been in that role for about two years. Prior to that, I was the IT Director. I’ve been at Fuller since 2003 in various capacities within the IT Department. My undergraduate degree is in Engineering Physics and that’s when I got into computers.

I love to build things…I think the reason I ended up in management is because I love to build systems, build processes, build organizations. There’s magic if you can get people working together, believing in a cause and when all the piece are in place…it’s amazing.

[Edited out video due to tech issues with the sound!]

Taz: I want to switch gears a little bit and talk about how your role as a parent has impacted your understanding of technology, in general, and social media, specifically. I think a lot of the news stories I read too [about social media] are about teens and “digital natives.” Yeah, I think a lot more therapists are seeing [considering the implications of] social media being part of a teen’s life. I know a lot of…or I feel like I’ve read that a lot of teens….their dream job now is to be a YouTube star or to be a vlogger. What are your thoughts on all of this? (Laughs).

Jeff: I’m gonna throw a couple of things at you and then we’ll see if they cohere at all. And my soon-to-be teenage daughter is sitting here on the couch. I’ll be telling her…I’ll give her all my secrets. I think, oh,…she’s got headphones on, and she’s watching YouTube, so… (Laughs). But probably listening….

…I’m an adoptive parent. And I think one of the things that…being an adoptive parent does, especially being international when you adopt, when they’re older, it drives home the point that you’re not in control. As much as we want to be in control, as much as we feel like…I think there can be an illusion of control in a lot of ways in parenting…we’re not in control. (Laughs). 

One of the really interesting effects of technology…and you see this facet of technology is driving a lot of [technology] adoption, like widely-used technology is so big in the financial industry because of this fact. Technology makes…you can make everything auditable. So, your phone knows where you, it knows every interaction you make, every email, every text, every place you visit, how many steps you take. I’ve got my FitBit. It knows what I eat; it knows when I sleep. All that information is going off to the cloud somewhere. In theory, if someone put the data stream together, they would know everything I do. Everything I read. Everywhere I go. Everything I eat. When I get up. When I go to bed. 

Taz: And who are the people that you talk to the most. Yeah, it’s all trackable.

Jeff: And then once you combine other people’s phones, you know who I’m with; when I’m with them. So, that is incredibly alluring. We won’t get into the privacy debate or the Orwellian aspects of this. There’s a lot that is very concerning. And you combine that with big data.…and the kinds of things that you can learn from correlating things together can be very surprising and unnerving. But to the case in point, so, my daughter has an iPad. We live in L.A., so it’s not like she goes out and plays because (laughs) you know…somehow getting hit by a car is the least terrifying thing I can imagine. So, she’s either in the house with an adult, or she’s at school, or she’s at some structured social event. That’s how we roll in Los Angeles. Now, I can see all her interactions. 

I think one of the really important things to realize when parenting in the age of technology is that there is a temptation to micro-manage because you can.

So, twenty years ago or more…I’m older now…more like thirty…my parents had nowhere near that much insight into my life. They didn’t know all my interactions. I’d go rode my bike; you’d get into all sorts of things. You know…talking to people you hear stories. Parents learn so many years later…(laughs) they would have totally freaked if they had known what we did and what we had gotten into. I think one of the really important things to realize when parenting in the age of technology is that there is a temptation to micro-manage because you can. We now have as parents in the digital age unprecedented insight and control that no generation has had before. I’ll tell you…when you look at growing up under a microscope, it’s pretty terrifying. This idea that…even when we look back at our own lives…when you’re out there on limb, when we got into situations that were hard, when we made mistakes, when we tripped up, there were consequences and that’s where you learn and grow. 

social media and parenting

I think the idea of parenting with the end in mind…that when they are turn eighteen, they will go out and have unfettered access to everything we’re scared about as parents. So this idea…Deprivation, I think, is not a good strategy. But I think that we need to kind of realize our own bias for control, realize the unparalleled insight that we have now, that we didn’t have before, and use that to offset….you know, there’s some serious stuff out there; some serious stuff could happen. There are things where we don’t know if the influence is good or bad. And there are some things we definitely know are bad. And we can’t protect them from everything. I do think that understanding technology and creating meaningfully boundaries…like my daughter doesn’t a phone. She’s eleven. She uses my phone a lot. She has an understanding that her mom and I have got all of her accounts, so sometimes we’ll drop in and look at what’s going in. When we see things, we’re gonna talk about it. But I don’t want to fall into the temptation to try to control everything. I want to keep an eye on it and then use things as teaching opportunities when they come up. And parent towards coaching them in how these interactions made them feel, what should they have done, what do they wish they would have done better. When they get to be young adults, they should be savvy. They should know what’s happening; know how to avoid the dangers

...when we have this all power and control as parents amplified by the technology, it requires a lot more wisdom to know when to apply it. And I think it demands more of us as parents to be in community...

Taz: I appreciate the angle you took in answering this question. Yeah, thinking about how trackable this all is. And how alluring it could be to control…and how that would impact a child to be under the microscope like you said. I love that point that growth usually happens at the edge…when we’re taking risks, when we make a mistake and learn from the consequences.

Jeff: I think it’s really hard for parents. I mean, just personally to watch your child…and you can see they’re getting ready to step off the cliff. That’s where the judgment comes in. You always want to balance as a parent. You want the consequences to be enough that they learn. But you don’t want the consequences to be so great that it breaks their lives. I’m a lot more controlling about when it comes to looking both ways before you cross the street because you only get one mistake. You know, versus learning how to cook or something like that. It’s hard not to correct them every time they’re doing something that you know will lead them to a bad outcome. But you gotta let them run; let them enjoy; let them make mistakes; let them learn. Those are two really extreme examples of really drastic consequences versus almost non-existent. 

I think it’s interesting that working with technology as much as I do as a practitioner, and then also as a manager and as an executive and as a parent…I do think the hardest parts are still the human parts.

Taz: But they are illustrative. And your comment about this illusion of control that any parent has [is illustrative, too]…Your kid is a whole other person. (Laughs).

Jeff: I think it’s really difficult as parents….This requires growth for us as parents. I think as parents we would probably tend to squelch the most promising learning opportunities our kids ever have if we could because they are gonna hurt so much. 

So, if you can see those things coming…do you step in and rob the kid of the opportunity to grow? How do you judge how much difficulty they’re ready for? And I think the kind of wisdom and introspective…and the community it takes….I’ve found so much out of talking with older parents. Like, “Okay, this thing I’m so worried about, that I’m freaking out about - not that big of deal.” You can roll with this one and it’s fine. Versus “This is a thing I’m not really worried about…Oh, that doesn’t go well if you don’t address it.” Yeah, in generalities…but this idea that when we have this all power and control as parents amplified by the technology, it requires a lot more wisdom to know when to apply it. And I think it demands more of us as parents to be in community with people with more experience. The hardest thing about parenting is not projecting your self onto your child and making your child’s issues your issues. And as with everything else, technology just amplifies the tendency. 

Taz: And that reminds of what you were saying before about the importance of awareness; having the dialogue around it; some kind of reflective functioning…not to fall into something. 

Jeff: I wouldn’t want to minimize the real, significant dangers online…I mean, predators, child trafficking. I wouldn’t ever want to be heard saying, “Yeah, yeah, let them go online. It’ll be fine if they get solicited but they’ll learn from it.” That’s not at all what I’m saying. But I do think out of fear of that, we can really go in and…so, we can either say “This is uncontrollable” and let them run into dangers that we should protect them from; let them encounter things they’re not mature enough to metabolize or we say “Oh, we have all these controls and all these dangers, let’s clamp it all down.” I think that’s equally detrimental. So, that it is really a matter of finding that balance and being aware on both sides. There’s a strong draw to do one or either. I think you mess up as a parent if you do either of the extremes. 

...technology can be a microscope or a magnifying glass that points back to the human condition and what it means to be human and what it means to relate to one another....when we see a technological problem, I think you can often and maybe always go one step deeper, and say ‘What is that telling us about ourselves? What does that tell us about what we want? What we need? How we relate?’

Taz: Well, I want to be conscious of time, but do you have any closing thoughts or things that you’d want to say? Anything coming to mind from the conversation, anything that makes you think like, “Oh, I want to add this point?”

Jeff: (Laughs) Thank you for listening.

Taz: I feel like so much has come up! (Laughs). Some of the reason that we like to interview people in different fields is that it’s so generative. Hopefully! And also for our community and for people who find our blog. 

Jeff: I mean…I think it’s interesting that working with technology as much as I do as a practitioner, and then also as a manager and as an executive and as a parent…I do think the hardest parts are still the human parts. I laugh, you know, I can talk to my phone and it can write down what I say, which is this close to a miracle…and it does it so well now…it’s amazing. I can tell it “Open this app. Or open that app.” Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Which is interesting. I use Android. Maybe Apple has got this one. But what’s interesting about that is that it’s an integration problem. So, we’ve solved this massively difficult computer science problem of listening to speech and turning it into writing. Really difficult. 

But integration is in the end…it’s the way that technology built by different groups of people can talk to each other. So, when I have this piece of technology and I want it to work with this other piece of technology and it doesn’t work, it’s because the people who built it had different ideas, they had different ways to approaching things, and they didn’t communicate well. They interpreted a standard in a different way. So, the idea that even inside your phone as you’re trying to use it - the things that it struggles with are a reflection of what’s so hard about being in a relationship; working together. I always laugh. I’ve run IT project after IT project - the hardest part is always the communication. How do I help people hear about what is happening? How do we solicit feedback? How are we responsive? How are we working together? (Laughs). You see that pattern over and over again. If anything technology can be a microscope or a magnifying glass that points back to the human condition and what it means to be human and what it means to relate to one another. I think I would always encourage us…when we see a technological problem, I think you can often and maybe always go one step deeper, and say “What is that telling us about ourselves? What does that tell us about what we want? What we need? How we relate?” And I think it can be very enlightening…and it becomes an opportunity to reflect on what our values are and how we want to be different in the world. And an opportunity to act on that in a very concrete way. I mean, it’s part of what I love about technology. 

Taz: Yeah, it almost sounds like a mirror then.

Jeff: Uh huh, it’s not a perfect mirror, but it’s a very informative one.

Taz: I think I want to end on those points. Wow, yeah, it’s such a reflective relationship…technology and humans. Yeah. Well, thank you so much, Jeff. I really appreciate your time. It’s been very illuminating…this conversation has been illuminating. 

Jeff: Thank you. I really appreciate the opportunity to do it. Thanks for taking the time yourself. I really appreciate it. 


Jeff Harwell is Chief Technology Officer at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California, and a PhD candidate in Information Systems and Technology at Claremont Graduate University. He has worked in the field of information systems and technology for over 15 years and has a background in Engineering Physics.


Taz Morgan, MA, is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, IMF #99714, working under the supervision of Gabrielle Taylor, PhD. She has trained in Depth-oriented psychotherapy and works with adolescents, adults, and couples. 

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Humans of MHT: An Interview with Taz Morgan

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Humans of MHT: An Interview with Taz Morgan

Our Humans of MHT series continues with more glimpses behind the humans that sit in the chair across from you....

This time Abby invites Taz to contemplate the mysteries of being human and to discuss how practicing meditation and appreciating the arts has enriched her clinical practice. 

Taz: [laughs]

Abby: Hi Taz! It’s good to speak with you today. As you know, we are doing the series of Humans of MHT where we are looking at each different therapist and asking what humanness means to them and what human feature they bring to their practice. I’m excited to specifically talk with you because you know that I find you very interesting and I’m so curious just to start off by hearing...what does humanness mean to you?

T: I’m excited to be talking with you too, although you know I’m feeling anxious about this.

A: [laughs] Which is a human emotion.

T: Which is very human. I’ve been thinking about this question “What does humanness mean to you?” I kept coming back to – I really don’t know – or that what excites me about being human is the attempt to make meaning of what it means to be human. I kept thinking about, I think it’s the Rumi poem, basically saying, “This being human thing is a guesthouse.” So, there’s something about humanness to me that has a lot to do with mystery and not ever fully knowing why we’re here. But, I guess getting excited or feeling alive by the attempt to understand why we’re here.

A: I feel like this is your biggest strength as a therapist – you don’t just tolerate unknown, you sort of thrive in the unknown. And it sounds like that’s part of what you’re getting at when you think about this idea of humanness.

T: There is something uncertain or ambiguous about being human, and it makes us vulnerable to pain or loss and then there’s this other part of my understanding of humanness that’s important – it’s about imagination, too. That we have all this strength and resources to contend with the ambiguity...that we have our imaginations to build bridges in what sometimes feels like an abyss. I think what has helped me make sense of my experience is the arts or humanities, and I look to films, or philosophy, or literature to kind of get an understanding of what it means to be human. So, I think those things to me give me the most answers or solace, not conclusions, but they help me contend with the ambiguity.

People come to therapy often because something is hurting, something is painful, and I think what I get from meditation and from the arts is this real understanding that pain is not pathological, that it doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong with you, but that you’re having a human experience.

A: This feels related to what you picked for your humanness feature, which was the practice of mindfulness and meditation. I wonder how that practice that you picked fits into this idea of humanness to you.

T: Part of the reason why I chose it as something that represents my humanness is because I feel like I have a very imperfect relationship with meditation. Like it’s not a thing – I mean recently I’ve been trying to do it every day, but I don’t feel like I’ve had this perfect, easy relationship with it, it’s been kind of complicated. And I like that it represents a place where I’ve found a certain home. In meditation I have a place to just go, it’s like a container for thoughts, feelings, sensations, and it’s expanded my relationship to myself. I found meditation, or stumbled upon it, because I was really trying to, I think, improve myself or eliminate the feelings of anxiety that I was feeling, or to alleviate stress, and I think I thought it would be this thing to become a better person or become calmer and it didn’t really happen. [laughs] I didn’t really just arrive at any other new place necessarily, but it did change my relationship to my feelings of anxiety; that I held a much more compassionate space for it.

A: I had a similar experience when I first did meditation, which was I came into it wanting to feel better. And sometimes you don’t come out of an experience of meditation feeling better, because you’re actually allowing space for you to observe all of the things that are maybe making these feelings come up for you. And so it’s interesting that you talk about the arts as a catalyst for you having creative thoughts and meaning making around humanness, and then mindfulness as the container for some of those thoughts that are happening for you.

T: That’s a nice way of putting it.

A: I like that they go together for you, and they both feel very you – that one is sparking things and the other is making space for things.

T: I guess there is a dialogue then between the two, because I think I can run wired, like I can get overwhelmed by my thoughts, and this doesn’t have to do with art, but I was thinking that some of why meditation feels so human to me too is because my dad also always talked about his meditation practice growing up. 

A: He was so beyond his time, or before his time I mean!

T: I think he was getting it from hippie days, but way before this huge boom. And I remember thinking, “OK Dad, sure, great, I’m glad you have this thing you do.” But I resonate with him a lot. He and I have a lot of similar traits, character wise, just in being very introverted. So it’s also in some weird way I feel connected to him and more accepting of these traits that we both have. Growing up I also was irritated when I could see his introversion, like, “Why don’t I have a normal Dad!” So there’s something about that too that it connects to my family.

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A: How do you feel like all of this shows up for you in the therapy room?

T: I think the meditation coupled with respect for the arts –I bring sort of a reverence or a respect for people’s uniqueness – like their unique expression of what it means to be human or to be embodied in this world as a human being and a humility in not really knowing. Having maybe some ideas, ways to process through pain, but not necessarily having concrete answers right away. People come to therapy often because something is hurting, something is painful, and I think what I get from meditation and from the arts is this real understanding that pain is not pathological, that it doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong with you, but that you’re having a human experience. So I know that plays a lot into the work that I do with clients. And a willingness to reflect, and to reflect on my own humanness and how clients’ stories will move me, or to reflect on that and to be open to that I think it also a human thing that I bring.

A: It sounds like you bring not only all of the work that you’ve done in yourself into the room, but you also try and bring your whole self into the room as an experience. As somebody to question with. As somebody to empathize with. As somebody to be in pain with. And I feel like the way that you’re talking about mindfulness, when we bring our mind into a room and it seems open I feel like that’s contagious for other people. And it sounds like that’s a lot of the work that you’ve been doing. Just to be curious, and questioning, and also containing all at the same time.

T: Ya, at least that’s the attempt. That reminds me of the word kinship – like being in kinship with; being with. That humanness is also so much about relating to others and relating to ourselves. I love how you’re making these connections and summarizing what I’m saying very well. [laughs]

A: Well now that we’re at the end...do you feel less anxious?

T: I do! It’s funny, I can trust in showing up and letting things just flow.

A: That’s the yoga Taz coming out.

T: [laughs] That is, yes.

A: Well, I’m so glad that we were able to connect today about your views on humanness and how you bring your human self into the room. And how you use the practice of meditation not only for your own work, but for your work with your clients as well. So thank you so much for talking with me.

T: Thank you Abby, thanks for making it so comfortable.

A: You’re welcome.


Taz MorganMA, is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, IMF #99714, working under the supervision of Vanessa Spooner, PsyD. She has trained in Depth-oriented psychotherapy and works with adolescents, adults, and couples. 


Abigail (Abby) Wambaugh, M.S., is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, IMF #94231, working under the professional supervision of Michelle Harwell, Psy.D., MFT 50732. She specializes in treating relationship difficulties, trauma, and sexual issues.

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From Contradiction to Paradox

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From Contradiction to Paradox

To survive, we must make instantaneous sense of our world. As such, it is an essential skill to be able to discern one’s surroundings and act in accordance with the demands of our environment. Our brain does an unparalleled job of this – it automatically makes critical decisions in milliseconds – what way to pull the steering wheel if another car is careening towards us on the highway; quickly making sense of that brown coiled shape seen out the corner of our eye. Is it a poisonous snake, or simply a discarded loop of rope or a garden hose? While decisiveness is paramount to our survival, this very ability also begets a tendency to seek certainty and understanding in situations which may call for much more nuanced circumstance. 

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In addition to our inclination to seek a practical mastery of our surroundings, as humans (particularly in the fact-based, scientifically-validated culture of modern times), we are also conditioned to seek out singular definitive answers to many of life’s questions. Such reductionism can (and often does) curtail experience into a false binary; a straightforward yes or no, right or wrong, bad or good. This simplistic view makes for a sterile exactness that leaves no room for the messy alchemy we call human experience

When we become fixed within this black or white view, any deviation from this false self-imposed logic becomes a source of discomfort and we can spend much of our mental energy denying the contradictions that exists within ourselves and our relationships. For example: How can one simultaneously feel the need to seek comfort and connectedness among friends and loved ones whilst still needing to assert autonomy and separateness from others?

Seeking an answer or resolution to the existence of contradictions is like trying to swim upstream against a steady and powerful current – you will not get far before succumbing to exhaustion. Instead of fighting against two incompatible conditions by demanding yourself to choose one over the other, surrendering into a state of ambiguity and accepting not-knowing can open our hearts and minds to the all the possibilities of the human experience.

Acceptance of contradictions is the conduit for viewing the human condition as a paradox: a more fully alive, well-rounded, non-dualistic stance. Where contradiction is an unsolvable problem of logic, paradox is an enigmatic and awe-inspiring riddle. Tolerating, and then honoring contradictions allow them to shift from irascible nuisances of life into deeply intoxicating existential curiosities. These paradoxes are deeply mysterious and beg for thoughtful exploration. They open space for reconnection to ourselves and others and invite us to grow our capacity to discern more than bad or good, threat or friend…but rather the whole spectrum of possibility gifted to us in this existence.


Lauren Ziel, MSW is a Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker, ASW #76483, working under the supervision of Vanessa Spooner, PsyD. Through the use of movement and mindfulness, Lauren develops specialized treatment for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, challenges in life-stage transitions, relational difficulties, and identity/intrapersonal development.

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Humans of MHT: An Interview with Lauren Ziel, Registered Associate CSW

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Humans of MHT: An Interview with Lauren Ziel, Registered Associate CSW

This is the second interview in our series "The Humans of MHT." I was delighted to spend time with Lauren Ziel, Associate Social Worker Intern. Lauren's curiosity about her own internal process lead us through an invigorating journey at the intersections of vulnerability, mindfulness, and the wisdom of the body. She is equal parts scientist, fitness guru, and empath - and she's unafraid to be silly and to speak truthfully about not-knowing.

To view (or read) the first interview in this series, go here

- Taz Morgan, MFT Intern

Taz: I’m here with with Lauren Ziel. I’m excited about getting to know you better, Lauren. I guess to start with…what does humanness mean to you?

Lauren: You know, when I think of humanness, I think of this idea of this eternal hope mixed with a lot of fallibility. A lot of pain, a lot of suffering, a lot of this capacity to self-preserve. And there’s a lot of ways that we self-preserve. Sometimes they benefit us at one point in our lives and then they no longer benefit us later on. The human condition is the depths and dark and deeply troubling things we can experience combined with this ability to overcome...maybe with a little help sometimes to overcome. 

There’s this joke, and I don’t know if you’ve heard it. But when you’re in school, maybe undergraduate or in your master’s level work or so on, where the joke is that therapists are all crazy, and they’re taking these classes to figure out themselves and to figure out their experiences. And I think there is some truth to that. I think that our inherent curiosity about ourselves and how our brain ticks, how our heart beats, all of that definitely plays into…at least, I’ve used it as a way to connect to other people. 

T: Your point about…this…well, I think of it as this Wounded Healer. Because of my background that I have…we talk about archetypes. This archetype of the Wounded Healer. And how we use our deepest wounds to be compassionate; to feel into what maybe the people we’re working with are feeling. 

L: Absolutely. What I think is so great about this project is, you know, we are not this all-knowing entity sitting across the room from you. There’s a lot that I don’t about you - the person sitting across from me - and there’s a lot I’m still learning about myself, this world and my place in it, your place in it, and how we’re coming together in this room in this weird situation where it seems kinda contrived, but it’s really, potentially a vehicle and a space for tremendous vulnerability, but also safeness in that vulnerability. 

There’s a strange way in working with my clients that make me feel accountable; that make me remember how much work it takes to figure out yourself. And it’s a motivation for me, honestly. Yeah, I think that’s the really cool part about doing what we do, or being in profession where you’re helping people on such a visceral level, on an emotional level…is it changes you. You learn so much. 

T: Yeah, you’re speaking to how it can be transformative for you as the therapist…that you’re being impacted in some way by sitting with this person or working with them. Yeah, that it feeds something in you, not in a way that is impeding the work…but it’s…I’m forgetting the quote…something that Carl Jung says that it’s alchemical. That the two people are in are this space and they’re both gonna be transformed somehow. It’s not just about the client changing. I really like that, and that seems to be what you’re speaking about.

L: Yeah. Absolutely. I feel like I need to find the quote now, but yeah (laughs), absolutely. I think that the more I can bring myself to the table - my humanness, my fallibility, in a mindful and constructive manner - but the more that I can show up being a human...being…like I don’t know sometimes. I’ll tell you when I don’t know. I might feel a little silly and wish I that actually did know the answer. I want, in way to model, to model the vulnerability, and model it so that it’s okay.

T: You’ve talked a lot, I think, about how humanness shows up in your work as a therapist. I want to talk more about what you chose as your passion that represents your humanness. Even the phrase that you chose “movement is medicine” — I thought that it would be “fitness.” Say more about this idea of movement is medicine, and how it’s meaningful to you. 

L: I think I have to start that with my own experience...in that, when I physically move, when I exert myself, when my heart rate is up, my respiration is up. Again this is how I do it. Some people would hate doing that, and I get it. When I’m sweating and exerting, and I’m fully engaged in what my body is doing in that moment….and I can feel the strike of my foot against the concrete… when I can feel how I roll my fingers over a dumbbell or a barbell as I move it - it’s really, honestly, a practice of mindfulness for me. It’s a practice of being in the present moment. There’s a degree of like a flow state where it almost just happening and there’s not a lot of thinking about. It parallels with this incredible attunement with your physical being. And it’s very grounding for me. It allows me to take my energy…because I can tend to be very heady and all up in my head and very light — pretty anxious. And using my body to ground me is very effective for me. It calms me down. It provides my brain with a little bit of clarity and being in that moment. 

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L: I have just found in particular, running, weight-lighting, yoga - those are the things that tend to do it for me. I have discovered dancing, which I don’t know that I’m very good at, but I actually really like it. Not yet, at least, I’m not putting it off the table (laughs). You know when you’re a kid and you go climb a tree because there’s a tree there and that’s what you do? Or when your favorite song comes on and you scream at the top of your lungs in your room or in the shower?  I feel like your body, moving your body in a way that expresses feeling, and you not having to understand exactly why that is…is so freeing. 

T: Yeah, honoring the wisdom of your body.

L: Yeah, exactly, yes, beautiful way of putting. That’s perfect. It’s my me time. It really is. It’s my me time. If I can help someone find a little bit of that - it’s great. When I start to see someone really come into their body, really come into what their body is capable of, and listening to that intuition…your physical being holds so much and it can also let go of so much. 

And at the same time, I think that the body can also….just like what we talked about at the beginning…there are ways that we have learned to protect ourselves, right? The body does that, too. The body holds onto to certain things. 

T: My shoulders will just be up here sometimes (shrugging and laughing).

L: Me too. I’m a constant shoulder-shrugging. It’s like someone just scared me all the time. I totally get that (laughing). There’s a lot of really awesome research about where tension is held in the body and where certain physical maladies are coming up or somatic presentations of psychological issues. There’s so much research out there now.

T:  To incorporate the somatic piece or the body — it’s widening the scope of how we look at what it means to be human.

L:  What works for me one day won’t necessarily work for me the next. And that’s okay. It comes back to learning more about one’s self and the motivations we have, the needs and the drives that are bringing us to these behaviors is what is so interesting. And the work is never really finished at the end of the day. 

This is something that went over in my yoga teaching training - the more that we try to keep things from changing, the less satisfied we are with the situations or ourselves because change is natural. And learning to be okay with the ambiguity, the scariness, and the discomfort is probably the biggest skill that one can develop for themselves. And it’s hard. It’s work that keeps going.

T: It’s such a challenge, I think, to accept one’s own rhythm, right? The opposite of being human, in my view, is being a robot where you would have the same sensations everyday. You’re talking about having a lot of acceptance or compassion for each day being different or one day something works…there’s this nuance and complexity. And being in the not-knowing.

L: And then taking that…and having a frame of mind where…one could look at that and find it terrifying. I get that, yeah it’s terrifying but it’s also…if you put your science cap on and have this curiosity about yourself about how you function in the world and why you function in the world, then it’s almost like this cool on-going experiment you have with yourself. Figuring out all the variables.

Thank you, Taz. This was great.

T: Thank you, Lauren. It was so nice to get to know you, and hear your thoughts a little bit.

L: Samesies.


Lauren Ziel, MSW is a Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker, ASW #76483, working under the supervision of Vanessa Spooner, PsyD. Through the use of movement and mindfulness, Lauren develops specialized treatment for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, challenges in life-stage transitions, relational difficulties, and identity/intrapersonal development.


Taz Morgan, MA, is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, IMF #99714, working under the supervision of Vanessa Spooner, PsyD. She has trained in Depth-oriented psychotherapy and works with adolescents, adults, and couples. 

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Recognizing Relationships

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Recognizing Relationships

Several years ago, I met another mother while playing at the park with my son. It was a chance meeting at the swings. We were pushing our toddlers and casually chatting as parents in the park often do, however, this interaction was different. In a matter of minutes, we connected on several topics and realized we had many things in common. We spoke and laughed as if we had been friends for years. It was a feeling of being known. To this day, she remains one of my closet friends.

When I reflect on my friendship, I can’t help but wonder who I’ve missed connecting with when I wasn’t present? We live in a social media driven, multitasking world where it can be challenging to put down our phones, ignore “to do lists” and just be. The North American culture is so focused on productivity that we don’t always see the cost of being too busy.  If we are not rested, balanced and grounded, then we are less available for connection. In the short term, that might mean missing opportunities to build a stronger sense of community or meeting a new friend. Over time, lack of recognition, validation and connectivity can erode the quality of our relationships.  In order to be recognized, we must be willing to be seen and be open to sharing time. Our attention is a limited resource and therefore valuable.  If we are mindful to invest it wisely then our relationships will profit. 


-Laura MacRae-Serpa, MFTI, CCLS has special interests in supporting children and families navigating adoption and the challenges of chronic illness.

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