Sarah: Tell us about Miry’s List and why you started the organization.
Miry: So, Miry’s List is a nonprofit organization that I founded in 2016. We work with families who are resettling as refugees in the United States. We are based here in Eagle Rock. However, we work with families all over the country. Currently, Miry’s List families live in 24 states nationwide. The situation when a family is coming through the federal government’s refugee admission’s program is often with a lot of confusion, exhaustion, obviously grief, and oftentimes trauma. At Miry’s List we support families for 12 months from their time of arrival, and we are here in addition to what is provided by the government. We want to make sure that families have a community support system--that is really the point of Miry’s List. The reality is that most of the families who are in our program are coming from countries including Afghanistan, Syria, Iraq, Iran. More recently we are enrolling families from Ukraine and Moldova. Families are coming from communities where they had a vast network of families and friends, and so just imagining one day without friends is hard to imagine. I’m just getting over COVID right now, and just in my home being without my own friends for five days was heartbreaking. I didn’t feel like I could even recognize myself, and that is a lot of what our families report feeling. It is so lonely.
The programs that are offered by Miry’s List are very focused on specific challenges the refugees face, so for example, a rapid response program that is going to impact a family’s first 30 days. That is to address the tremendous challenge of families starting out in homes without the essential supplies they need to be safe, comfortable, and functional. So rapid response is all about making sure that everyone in the family has a place to sleep at night—a comfortable bed. And our approach through this program, because the point of the program is, yes, we want to get every single family a bed. But also, we want to leave them feeling a sense of autonomy and sense of there are a lot of people that really care that I’m comfortable, so that is kind of the dual approach that we take with all of our programs. And what we feel is a success is that at the end of the 12 months, a family will feel so wrapped in love and nurturing, that they will have nothing else to do but pour that out into somebody else that needs help. Because we all have something to give, and that is the cycle of giving.
Sarah: So, they can then become a volunteer or perhaps work for Miry’s List?
Miry: Yeah, actually most of our staff are people who have lived experience with this and have graduated from our program, and many of our volunteers as well. It is a human instinct: as soon as we have our needs met, our human instinct is to wonder are my neighbors OK? The people that I see at my kid’s school drop off, do they have what the need? And so that is a formal part of our program as well. It is for everyone! There is no income threshold that is the one who gives service. It is literally all of us have something to give. And that approach has totally changed my life.
Sarah: How has your work with Miry’s List enhanced your understanding of what it means to be a neighbor in your community? Has it changed your understanding of that?
Miry: Well, I know so many more people than I did now than I did before Miry’s List began! It really just started with a couple of friends, and it started growing pretty quickly from there once we started getting the word out that we were collecting supplies for one family that had just arrived from Syria. People were coming from all over Eagle Rock, from all over Silver Lake, from Echo Park, from all over Northeast LA because what we were learning at the time is so many American people want to help refugees, and they want an easy mechanism to do so. So just making it available brought so many people together around this one family, and at Miry’s List we refer to “our families” as “OUR families” but also we say “new neighbors” and “our neighbors” and “new American families” and all these terms that are accurate in how we describe the people who are benefitting from our programs. I think it’s important that we can acknowledge that we don’t have to live next door to someone to think of them as your neighbor, to think of them as your partner in making your community better, and there’s a saying that I love. It’s an Arabic proverb and it says, “We and the moon are neighbors” and I love that because it’s just such a beautiful and poetic way of putting it, but like all of us billions of human beings are just standing on this spinning ball of fire, and we are just in space and that means we are all neighbors, and I like to think about it like that.
“I think it’s important that we can acknowledge that we don’t have to live next door to someone to think of them as your neighbor, to think of them as your partner in making your community better, and there’s a saying that I love. It’s an Arabic proverb and it says, “We and the moon are neighbors” and I love that because it’s just such a beautiful and poetic way of putting it, but like all of us billions of human beings are just standing on this spinning ball of fire, and we are just in space and that means we are all neighbors, and I like to think about it like that.”
Sarah: It kind of reminds me of this question of technology. In some ways it [technology] helps us see our neighbors, but in other ways, I think it can draw us apart because we can just be sitting in, you know, our houses, but in other ways it helps us see the world. How do you think technology has made us less or more connected to our neighbors?
Miry: Well, I think that things really shifted drastically during COVID when access to technology became equal to access to an education. When schools shut down and families were coming to the US, there was a short time when the refugee program paused during COVID, but families were coming, basically the whole time, and you know, for a family whose coming without a built in network of friends and a community, it is very difficult. That isolation that all of us felt, really kind of burning inside our soul, that was exacerbated for folks who are in the Miry’s List program, and recognizing that kids could not access their classrooms without a device at home, that quickly became, this isn’t a luxury, this is a necessity because it is their human right to be able to access their classroom.
Here we are, it’s 2023, our schools have reopened, but meanwhile in Afghanistan girls and women are not allowed to go to school after 7 th grade, and their access to education has been taken from them. It is a negotiation of a lot of conflicting feelings, and our families rely on technology because that is your translator in your pocket. It is going to let you call your mom and let her know that you arrived safely. When your partner goes to the grocery store, and you are in a new neighborhood, and you don’t know when they are going to be back, your phone is the only way you can communicate with them. And there are families that have been separated. Imagine being separated from your partner at the airport, and then they get on a plane, and they leave the country, and you don’t know when you are going to see them again.
Sarah: Yeah, that sounds terrifying.
Miry: And for the kids. And then reuniting as a family, some months later—6 months later, a year later—that is going to take time for that wound to heal, and so a cell phone for somebody in that situation is going to be a comfort to know that you are tied to that person. That they are not going to be taken away from you the way that they have been. This is a valid fear. It will probably take more than a generation for some of these wounds to heal, so I would say technology is an absolute necessity, not a luxury. I’m talking about cell phones, laptops, and tablets for younger kids; for our families, these are absolute essentials for keeping in touch, connecting with the outside world, and for education.
Sarah: I see how all of that is just so important. And how in COVID it became even more important. I imagine it was hard and people didn’t necessarily know if and when they could go back to where they came from originally, but during COVID it was even more uncertain about what was going on with their family members.
Miry: Yeah. And there were times where there were COVID surges through refugee camps and very little healthcare. And it is very, very freighting. And even here, we have world class hospitals that were setting up beds in parking lots. I think that that experience really gave people whose lives had never really been directly impacted by war, or really have ever been in a situation where they had to flee persecution or something like this. This is like what ties the experience of all refugees together, all over the world, everyone has a unique experience that is totally their own. The thing that ties them together is they fled violence and persecution and they can’t return home.
And then COVID happened and then suddenly everyone has this firsthand experience to be afraid of what’s on the other side of the door. Because most reasonable people were feeling that, and so that does connect us in a way with what it might feel like to be afraid, just even in your own home. And there’s plenty of people who were like, we are going to go move to the mountains for a couple of years, we are going to go to a house in Hawaii, and we are going to go visit my family in Australia—they have a totally different COVID situation--and that’s migration. That is what families do. They look at the cards they are dealt, they look at the resources they have, and the say all right, this is what we are going to do. This is going to have the safest outcome for our family, and ultimately that is what the experience of a refugee family really is.
“ How can we make sure that our kids are with the tools that they need to become the welcomers to those students? To show them what they can do even if it’s something as simple as looking at them and waving and smiling at them. I think there is a way we can create more opportunities for those bridges, be it in the classroom or at the playground at our local school. We have an afterschool club called “People of the World” and it is a ten week training for welcomers. It is for ages TK-2 nd grade, and each week we focus on a different issue. It comes together to get these kids to a point where they can become the official welcomers of the school. This is something that even a 4-year-old can understand. It addresses such a basic human need: Everyone wants to feel safe, they want to feel loved, and they want to feel important, and I can tell even your little one, he can understand that. Every single human being needs these things.”
Sarah: Yeah, that is very true. It changed the way many people live, or where they decided they could live, and they had the privilege to do that, many of us here. So, what would you say, what kind of relationships have developed between the volunteers and the people in the program. And you were saying a lot of time, the people in the program become the volunteers, so I imagine there have been friendships and many different kinds of relationships that have developed, but what sticks out to you the most?
Miry: Well, we launched a program called SANAH (Supporting American Newcomers At Home). It’s a virtual home learning program. We originally launched it because our families were saying we need English classes that we can do from home. So, we thought, OK, let’s just bring on some tutors and give them an ESL-based social-emotional curriculum. Let’s connect these helpful volunteers with families and everything will be great, and people can make some new friends. And we ran that program for a few consecutive cohorts of students, volunteers, and tutors for 12 weeks each. And what we found when we surveyed the participants on both sides is that while the whole thing was in the context of having a conversation in English, people were not sticking to the curriculum like grammar and letters and how to spell things.
They were talking about why are the chickens so big at the grocery store in November? Tell meabout Ramadan? I hear about it, but I don’t really know what it is all about. Tell me about what you are wearing? I’ve never seen a dress like that. And this cultural exchange was happening because we were connecting people who had previously been intentionally isolated from each other by this governmental program idea that refugees shouldn’t be dependent on society, so let’s make sure they have a case worker for 90 days, but we don’t want to mix them up too much to make them dependent. But what we find time and time again: Each time we make these connections between our helpers, our volunteers, and our families are that we are interdependent, all of us. We need each other. We need each other to learn, to learn about each other, but also to learn about ourselves. And I know that everyone who is reading this or watching this can probably relate to someone asking you a question, and you answer them, and you realize, I just learned something about myself! And that happens all the time.
The other thing I notice is that resettlement is a time of transition. It is a transformative time in someone’s life. What are the hardest times in someone’s life? It’s having a baby, getting married, and moving. Those are three of the five most stressful times in someone’s life. So, if we can think of this big global crisis of refugee resettlement as a transformative time for a family, and then we can intervene at that time with love and care and friendship and support, we are creating moments that will be remembered for generations. Because every single person will remember the people that showed up for them in those transformative days, and they will tell their children about them if their children don’t remember, and they will tell their children’s children about them, and I think that’s really important for our volunteers to understand. Even volunteers who aren’t sticking with it for 12 weeks to do a program. Even somebody who writes one welcome card.
Sarah: Oh, I love that.
Miry: I’m going to read it to you: Hello new friend. Welcome to your new home. I know this has been a long journey for your family and we are so lucky to be your new neighbors. We are happy to welcome you into our community, and we welcome you with open arms and full hearts.
With Gratitude, Ana
And she made this beautiful cover art. And you know, this little one.
Sarah: Oh, I love that. That’s so great.
Miry: This one says: Dear Friend, Welcome to the United States. It takes a lot of courage to make a big move like that, and I admire you for taking this risk. We welcome you with open arms. I hope to meet you one day soon.
Sarah: That is so sweet. It makes me want to tear up, thinking about coming to this unknown place, and then to read something like that.
Miry: So, we send out hundreds of these. I have a box, this high, next to me, and we get photos from our families back. These are on the wall in an apartment, stuck to the refrigerator, on the windows because it is the message that counteracts all of those fears of you don’t belong here, you are isolated, your problems are yours alone, and nobody is here to care for you. These are valid fears that folks who have been on this journey can hold in their hearts, and then they receive these heartfelt letters, and it helps to counteract, to soften some of that, with a little bit of wonder: maybe I do have more friends than I realize here, and maybe the American people are welcoming towards refugees. Maybe the thing that I saw on the media, about the way Americans feel about refugees, isn’t 100 percent accurate to the way my neighbors feel about me. And that is how we can create bridges. Even without people meeting each other face to face. So, I think that is pretty powerful.
Sarah: That is really powerful. That reminds me: Does there tend to be a language barrier a lot of the time or how does that work?
Miry: Typically, for a lot of our families, one or more of our family members will come already speaking some English because there are a lot of people that were English interpreters in Afghanistan that worked with the US military there. However, in many cases, the entire family is learning English. And that means that school-aged students are going in every day surrounded by their contemporaries, and they are going to be in an ESL program at their school. The same isn’t always true for their parents or older siblings. You know college-age siblings aren’t necessarily as integrated to daily English learning as the younger students and that language barrier creates awkwardness.
Socially it is difficult to communicate with somebody who you don’t share a first language with. But also, there are all these fears in learning a first language. Because basically to learn a new language, you have to surrender to just being wrong. Can you just agree that you will be wrong a lot of the time? The fastest way to learn a language is you have to practice. And you have to practice being not perfect at something. For some personality types, no problem. For other personality types, that is really hard. There are people who are very perfectionistic, who don’t feel comfortable doing something unless they can do it 110 percent, and I know those people, that’s not me. That’s really what it takes to learn a new language. And can you be vulnerable in a group of strangers to say something and potentially say it totally wrong? What if I have an accent? What does my accent say about me? What can we do as people who are native English speakers for people who are talking with us, who are using an accent? I think that we can play a big part in making it more comfortable for them and remembering if someone is speaking with an accent that means that they speak more than one language, and that is admirable and thatis impressive.
Sarah: My son is in a dual immersion program, and I do not speak another language, and for me the fear of talking to him sometimes feels overwhelming, so I can’t even imagine. He’s just my son! He’s always correcting my accent. What advice would you give people who would like to reach out to their neighbors but don’t know how to start?
Miry: No matter where you live, there are local community organizations working with refugees near you, even if it is at the library, there are programs for new Americans. I would say if someone is really wanting to get involved locally, the best place to start is Google. Miry’s List is based in Los Angeles, so for a lot of people in LA, they are working with us as a primary mechanism to become welcomers towards newcomers. Not necessarily people who are resettling in Los Angeles because our families are all over the country. We are now in 24 states. And hundreds of cites, by the way.
Sarah: That’s been since I talked to you last in 2019. It seems like it wasn’t that long ago.
Miry: It wasn’t that long ago, and actually that was really the turning point when we started receiving a lot of requests for services out of state, and now 30 percent of our program recipients live in the DC metro area, and there is a lot that we can do virtually to make sure that families feel connected. Just this morning I was talking to someone, she’s a graduate of our program, and she is somebody who is a cardiothoracic surgeon from Afghanistan. She’s taken herself through medical school for a second time to go back to where her heart is. Her mom is also a cardiothoracic surgeon. She has a two-year-old and has her hands full. She works at a luxury car dealership, selling cars to make ends meet, and her life is hard. The amount of resilience, persistence, hard work, and talent, I mean, I cannot imagine being able to sell a car to someone, and in another language, like she is also one of their top sales people. Literally anything that you do you are going to be really good at it, obviously, that’s the kind of person she is. But just being a friend is something that is so important to people. I have been in a hundred different points of my life where I just really needed a community support system—that’s what I try to draw from when I get the chance to show up for someone who is in a hard time in their life, just listening, and being a listening ear is a very powerful thing.
The other thing I want to mention, because we talked about kids and classrooms: new arrival students are enrolling in our schools, in every single school district. In my kid’s school there are three Ukrainian families who just got here this year. So, what can we do as parents and caretakers of our kids? How can we make sure that our kids are with the tools that they need to become the welcomers to those students? To show them what they can do even if it’s something as simple as looking at them and waving and smiling at them. I think there is a way we can create more opportunities for those bridges, be it in the classroom or at the playground at our local school. We have an afterschool club called “People of the World” and it is a ten week training for welcomers. It is for ages TK-2 nd grade, and each week we focus on a different issue. It comes together to get these kids to a point where they can become the official welcomers of the school. This is something that even a 4-year-old can understand. It addresses such a basic human need: Everyone wants to feel safe, they want to feel loved, and they want to feel important, and I can tell even your little one, he can understand that. Every single human being needs these things.
Sarah: Thank you so much for doing this. Is there anything else you want to add or comes to mind?
Miry: Two things - These will be linked below. The first thing is a newer program of Miry’s List called our Welcomer’s Circle. For somebody who really wants to get involved, this is our monthly giving program and at whatever level. Ten dollars a month is a very helpful thing because with monthly donations, we are able to plan for the future. That is one of the most helpful ways that someone can get involved.
The other thing that I want to say is me and Jennifer wrote a book together called, Our World Is a Family: Our Community Can Change the World. This is very helpful for parents who want to talk to their kids about these issues. So, this is why we wrote this book so parents, teachers, caregivers, and grandparents would have a way to have the difficult conversations about why people move around the world as refugees, and what we can do to become the welcomers at our space. That’s another tool.
Sarah: Awesome. Well, thanks again!
Sarah Butcher, LMFT is constantly reminded that we all seek to make meaning out of the human experience, from seeking to understand our fears, insecurities, and wounds, to making sense of our moments of joy, anticipation, and contentment. As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Sarah believes that healing happens in the context of genuine relationships.
Links: Welcomer’s List: https://www.pledge.to/mirys-list-welcomers-circle Our World Is a Family: Our Community Can Change the World: https://miryslist.org/ourworldisafamily