Not a Bird: Finding Our Way with Acceptance

“...2020....If you didn’t know beforehand how you cope with circumstances beyond your control, well, you’ve probably got a pretty good idea by now. ”

I have a little unlined journal I wrote in when I was 8 years old. Amidst pages of unicorn drawings and stutter-start stories, is a page with three simple lines on it:

It is what you are given

and what you must accept.

It is not a bird.

And there it is. The answer to everything. I have chuckled over those lines, scratching my head about what on earth could have prompted my second-grade brain to pen them. It’s going fine until the last line. Life – it is what you are given, and what you must accept. Sounds deep! Also - not a bird. Mmm...undeniable. I have to say, this odd little snippet of wisdom from my younger self has become a bit of a mantra for me, the sober realization of the first two lines comically balanced by the seeming randomness of the last. I didn’t ask for a bird. You get what you get. And, as we say to our kids, you don’t get upset. You accept it.

I still remember the aha-moment I felt as a graduate student training in a hospital setting when my supervisor finally explained to me why he always noted if a patient showed use of acceptance to cope. I was working with patients who had life-changing injuries and illnesses, people who had lost their independence, often unexpectedly and suddenly, and were living through a time in their lives when it was unclear if they would ever recover their previous level of functioning. I could hardly imagine living through a similar experience. Why did my supervisor document a patient’s use of acceptance? In his words, “because it’s the best thing anybody can do in a situation like this.” It is the gold standard of coping when circumstances are beyond one’s control. And it’s not the end of the story. Acceptance is the start. You can’t get very far in your new reality if you can’t accept that it’s the one you’re living in.

Which brings me to 2020 – our new reality, unfolding relentlessly in a series of seemingly endless crises, injustices, tragedies and disasters ranging from the hilariously small-scale (think toilet paper) to the entire future of life on our planet. If you didn’t know beforehand how you cope with circumstances beyond your control, well, you’ve probably got a pretty good idea by now. Reminds me of my favorite mental health meme that went around Facebook: “What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.”

We are living through collective traumas on a massive scale. How will we get through and be resilient on the other side? Like the patients I worked with in the hospital, we are wondering if our lives will ever get back to normal. Perhaps we have to start by accepting that the world as we know it is changing, and life will not be the same. That we will not be the same. That acceptance is itself a powerful pathway to change. As Carl Rogers famously put it: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” What if we take 2020 on its terms, even as we all desperately want change on many levels? What if we offer ourselves this kind of radical acceptance? Maybe it’s the best thing anyone can do in a situation like this.

“It [acceptance] is the gold standard of coping when circumstances are beyond one’s control. And it’s not the end of the story. Acceptance is the start. You can’t get very far in your new reality if you can’t accept that it’s the one you’re living in.”

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Monica Green, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, PSY27391, specializing in depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship issues and psychological aspects of chronic health conditions.

Home: You are Welcome Here

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“To me home is the place where you can be you with all your rough edges. Where you can have all your feelings, in their full and sometimes painful glory. Where people will manage the dance of needs, theirs and yours, with some compassion and grace.”

In her novel, The Mill on the Floss, George Eliot paints a portrait of the kind of attachment we build to the place we call home, especially the first place that holds that sense for us. The main character, Maggie, cannot bring herself to leave her home to make a new start somewhere, even when her reputation becomes unjustly tarnished and she becomes an outcast. Eliot’s portrayal of the strength of Maggie’s connection to the place she knows as home has a visceral resonance for me. I know that feeling. I’ve felt that way about a place, and I’ve had to move on and start over somewhere new. Many of us know what it’s like to leave our home and in some way lose it forever.

No one knows this better than immigrants, refugees and asylum seekers. When we talk about immigration policy, I feel that we’ve lost touch with the heart of the matter – the reality of human beings who have had to leave the place and the people that were home for them – often due to hardships and traumas that we in this country can scarcely imagine. I think we lose sight of the fact that people do not come seeking to build a new life here because the grass was greener but because there was no grass to be had where they were. I’m thrilled to be part of MHT’s support drive for Miry’s List, where the funds we raise will directly benefit immigrants who are establishing a new life here in LA. Even for those of us with more resources, starting over in a new place is not easy. We need a community to come around us and welcome us in.

Perhaps in many ways, we are all looking for home, trying to build a place where we feel a sense of belonging and welcome. I think of the home I’m trying to create for my little people. The jar in the photo is actually full of glitter. It’s a homemade sensory tool for helping kids deal with strong emotion. They think they’re getting a bit big for it, but sometimes when I’m really upset I go grab one, shake it up, and enjoy losing myself in swirling glints of color. The blue one is the one I made myself. To me home is the place where you can be you with all your rough edges. Where you can have all your feelings, in their full and sometimes painful glory. Where people will manage the dance of needs, theirs and yours, with some compassion and grace. And a good dose of affectionate humor. Where people will stay when things get hard, no matter what. Where relationship can bend, twist, yank or pull and not break. That’s what the glitter jar means to me. It means, “You are welcome here. We got this.”

 By the way, if you want to make one, here’s a link: https://preschoolinspirations.com/6-ways-to-make-a-calm-down-jar/

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HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

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A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

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Monica Green, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY 27391) specializing in depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship issues and psychological aspects of chronic health conditions.

Women are Witness

“Witnessing is a powerful act to bring into the world. Whether it is vocal and public or even, as I see it, private and silent, witnessing to the experience of others is a way of shining a light on what has been unseen and calling to account those responsible. ”

Photo by Even Keel Imagery - Miriam Brummel

Witnessing is a powerful act to bring into the world. Whether it is vocal and public or even, as I see it, private and silent, witnessing to the experience of others is a way of shining a light on what has been unseen and calling to account those responsible. When we as women witness each other’s experiences, we stand up to the violence and aggression that women and girls experience the world over. We honor the suffering that we see by holding it in mind with compassion and demanding justice for those who have been wronged.

I see witnessing as a role of sorts, one that we can step into whenever there is cause and one in which we can be certain that our individual mind, heart, and voice has meaning and significance. If we were to look down on the earth from above, imagine that everyone who witnesses to the abuses and misuses of power here was one tiny speck of light in a sea of dark. Tiny or not, you would see them. And even if each speck were unaware of the others around it, still, the more people witnessing to the wrongs of the world, the more light there would be.

For victims of trafficking, there is mostly no justice, mostly no recourse, mostly no rescue. The cruel economics of this particular chain of supply and demand make the problem seem intractable. Even so, I take refuge in the thought that no one can take away our witness. I am encouraged by all the voices around me this December raising awareness of this issue and calling for action. Will you join us? This month, wear a dress or a tie every day to bear witness.

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HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN DRESSEMBER WITH US:

Give! Visit our Dressember page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of December. We will be documenting our fierce fashion choices but our deepest intention is to empower and educate.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Dressember fundraising campaign page.

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Monica Green, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, PSY 27391, specializing in depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship issues and psychological aspects of chronic health conditions.

Shadow Self

Here it comes….duck and cover!

...This is the part where MHT gets a bit too real and talks about the things we all hate to talk about: Those parts of our self that are thorny, contentious, ugly, and shameful. Ugh. There it is. Shame. I feel myself grimace as I write it.

Why is it that we have a panicked desire to hide parts of ourselves, while at the same time longing to have our ugliest, most hidden parts named and seen? It is a curious, if universal, paradox. When we hide, we feel relief. We are somehow safe, while also perilously insecure, able to be known in relationship, and yet so alone.

“Some of our most powerful relational experiences occur when our deepest-hidden parts come to light in the eyes of another - when we find that we are not rejected, criticized, and shamed but rather recognized, related to, and accepted as we are.”

The shadow self, as Jung termed it, is a universal feature of being human. We all have a dark side which the vast majority of us try madly to remove from consciousness. Our unconscious defenses are primary, but we also consciously reject our shadow. Many or most of us are in the business of self-surgery, frantically trying to excise our unacceptable parts, our envy, hatred, rage, aggression, and malice. To the extent that we are “successful” in this, we determine how much we are aware of and how much operates outside our conscious control. We can no more escape these parts of ourselves than we can cut off our actual, physical shadow.

To suggest that we accept our shadow side runs counter to our strong, ingrained reflex to reject it. The idea that we turn and meet our shadow self, hold out open hands and get to know it probably sounds, at least at first, dubious, distasteful, dangerous, or downright impossible.

 At rock bottom, it comes down to wholeness. When we reject a part of ourselves, we are necessarily internally divided. And that cannot stand. Literally. Our search for self is essentially a search for wholeness. And here we are in a serious bind. We cannot integrate our darker impulses with our conscious values. They are inherently at odds. And yet when we reject our dark side, we are only more divided.

As a consummate rejecter of my own dark side, I have found that the more I am able to accept my unacceptable parts, the more I am able to keep them in the realm of my conscious awareness, where I can exert more influence over them. And that might be the best we can do on our own. Allow them to be visible so that we can keep an eye on them. We can’t be rid of them, so they might as well be as whole as we can, recognizing that we are all both upstanding citizen and outlaw.

But in relationship, we find that a deeper wholeness is possible. Some of our most powerful relational experiences occur when our deepest-hidden parts come to light in the eyes of another - when we find that we are not rejected, criticized, and shamed but rather recognized, related to, and accepted as we are. We see that our worst self is all-too-familiar territory in the eyes of the other, and a bond forms. Our hated self is part of the beloved. If we can love it as part of someone we love, then we create the possibility of loving it in ourselves. Can we love our most unlovable parts and allow them to be loved? Wouldn’t they take over and do all manner of unspeakable harm? Or would we find instead that the same love that can unite people, is able to unite us internally, as well. Our unlovable self might come into the light of Love and be transformed.

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Monica Green, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, PSY 27391, specializing in depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship issues and psychological aspects of chronic health conditions.

The Laugh Machine

“While humor can build up or tear down, it’s fundamental value lies in the way it allows us to approach truth less directly, to come at it sideways but to come at it nonetheless. It’s a way of coping with the things that…need coping with. At its best, it unites us as we share a laugh over some aspect of being human.”

I remember my mother telling me a story about her younger sister growing up. Her sister was tying various strings to an old bottle and attaching a bunch of different objects to the other end of each string. When asked what she was doing, she explained that she was making a laugh machine. While the family was at first incredulous, simply watching her twirl her odd contraption had them all in stitches in the end. Why? It was so ridiculous! There was an irony in the fact that her prediction came true from those unlikely beginnings. My mother was still giggling 50-some years later.

What makes humor such an important part of our humanity? Fundamentally, all humor centers around truth. In slapstick, we highlight the ridiculous aspects of daily life. In a roast, we exaggerate selected features of a person to create a comic caricature. Wit often shows us a wry perspective on a situation. Sarcasm presents a critical truth mercilessly, Gallows humor transcends what is most grim in our human experience to point out irony or the absurd. Freudian humor, as Taz reminds us, carries the truth of our unconscious desires.

While humor can build up or tear down, it’s fundamental value lies in the way it allows us to approach truth less directly, to come at it sideways but to come at it nonetheless. It’s a way of coping with the things that…need coping with. At its best, it unites us as we share a laugh over some aspect of being human. Its playfulness pulls on a younger part of us. And isn’t it always children that overcome divisions that adults can’t seem to get around, simply by not seeing them in the first place? When we laugh together, we’re in touch with a part of us that can meet others in a place of youthful glee.

Personally, I love the way my kindergarten-age daughter laughs uproariously and uncontrollably when I crack a string of jokes about the inescapable truths of our digestive tracts. She can’t stop. She’s utterly helpless in the waves of laughter shaking her small body. Part of her will never outgrow her love of earthy humor. When she’s 16, perhaps we’ll find it awkward and difficult to connect in the tried and true fashion of adolescence. I’m sure I’ll be googling fart jokes and letting them rip.

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Monica Green, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, PSY27391, specializing in depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship issues and psychological aspects of chronic health conditions. She enjoys terrible puns.