Home: Being Known

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they’re at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.”

-  Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way”

In one of the chapters in her book, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way, Shauna Niequist describes the importance of having a home team. This home team is a community of people that you can count on, that you feel connected to and that make you feel known. Niequist highlights how this home team can change through time and seasons in your life. There is sweetness in being known by someone in all your humanness and still choosing to love you — that is home for me.

 In this season of reflection on the word ‘home’ at MHT, places come to mind such as my childhood home, that restaurant in San Pedro, and that grocery store that always plays Spanish music. Some people also come to mind, individuals who are my family and those that have become family. My home team – in their presence I feel known, seen, and connected. Over the last decade, I’ve discovered the power of being known and the comfort of being in a space or in the presence of someone who symbolizes home.

Home holds many meanings for every individual. As I reflect on the importance of being known – I think about the immigrants, refugees, and asylum seekers hoping for a place to call home and a community where they feel known, once they have established safety in their new space. There is so much importance in ‘being known’ in order to feel at home.

“There is sweetness in being known by someone in all your humanness and still choosing to love you — that is home for me. ”

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HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

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A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

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Paloma Franco, MS, is a Registered Psychological Assistant #PSB94024942 working under the supervision of Gabrielle Taylor, PhD, PSY# 22054. Paloma is a bilingual (Spanish & English) therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families to address a variety of issues, including anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship issues, and cultural challenges.

Home: You are Welcome Here

This November, MHT is participating in the Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraising Drive. The money goes to programs that support refugee families that have been resettled in the United States. In tandem with these efforts, our clinicians are writing posts reflecting on what home means to them.

“To me home is the place where you can be you with all your rough edges. Where you can have all your feelings, in their full and sometimes painful glory. Where people will manage the dance of needs, theirs and yours, with some compassion and grace.”

In her novel, The Mill on the Floss, George Eliot paints a portrait of the kind of attachment we build to the place we call home, especially the first place that holds that sense for us. The main character, Maggie, cannot bring herself to leave her home to make a new start somewhere, even when her reputation becomes unjustly tarnished and she becomes an outcast. Eliot’s portrayal of the strength of Maggie’s connection to the place she knows as home has a visceral resonance for me. I know that feeling. I’ve felt that way about a place, and I’ve had to move on and start over somewhere new. Many of us know what it’s like to leave our home and in some way lose it forever.

No one knows this better than immigrants, refugees and asylum seekers. When we talk about immigration policy, I feel that we’ve lost touch with the heart of the matter – the reality of human beings who have had to leave the place and the people that were home for them – often due to hardships and traumas that we in this country can scarcely imagine. I think we lose sight of the fact that people do not come seeking to build a new life here because the grass was greener but because there was no grass to be had where they were. I’m thrilled to be part of MHT’s support drive for Miry’s List, where the funds we raise will directly benefit immigrants who are establishing a new life here in LA. Even for those of us with more resources, starting over in a new place is not easy. We need a community to come around us and welcome us in.

Perhaps in many ways, we are all looking for home, trying to build a place where we feel a sense of belonging and welcome. I think of the home I’m trying to create for my little people. The jar in the photo is actually full of glitter. It’s a homemade sensory tool for helping kids deal with strong emotion. They think they’re getting a bit big for it, but sometimes when I’m really upset I go grab one, shake it up, and enjoy losing myself in swirling glints of color. The blue one is the one I made myself. To me home is the place where you can be you with all your rough edges. Where you can have all your feelings, in their full and sometimes painful glory. Where people will manage the dance of needs, theirs and yours, with some compassion and grace. And a good dose of affectionate humor. Where people will stay when things get hard, no matter what. Where relationship can bend, twist, yank or pull and not break. That’s what the glitter jar means to me. It means, “You are welcome here. We got this.”

 By the way, if you want to make one, here’s a link: https://preschoolinspirations.com/6-ways-to-make-a-calm-down-jar/

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HERE'S HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FRIENDSGIVING WITH US:

Give! Visit our Miry’s List campaign page and make a donation. It's that simple and no sum is too small. Truly.

Follow! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and our blog throughout the month of November. We will be reflecting on what it means to be welcomed, received, and known.

Share!  Help us spread the word. You can do this by sharing our social media posts or links to our Miry’s List Friendsgiving Fundraiser page.

******

A little about Miry’s List:
Refugee families come to the United States seeking a safe haven from violence and persecution in their home countries. They leave behind family and friends, as well as virtually everything they own. Many Americans, seeing these families in their communities, wonder: What can I do to help? Miry's List provides a mechanism for people to directly help new arrival refugee families with the things that they need to get started in their new lives – from diapers to beds to cleaning supplies and toiletries. To learn more, visit miryslist.org.

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Monica Green, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY 27391) specializing in depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship issues and psychological aspects of chronic health conditions.

Spirituality as Process

Maybe you, like me, sometimes wonder what spirituality really consists of. How can anyone really understand or know this realm of reality that transcends, but is inseparably involved with, the material? My thought is it’s not quite knowable. Or maybe better put, it’s not ‘master-able’ by our methods of knowing. It’s the kind of thing that can’t be all-the-way understood or written about comprehensively in a textbook.

And yet, there is something concrete about spirituality -- that is, it seems that a full-hearted seeking after spiritual life, truth, and goodness does bring about significant change over time. Sometimes in quiet ways inside of individuals and sometimes in powerful and surging ways that had seemed impossible.

My own life has felt rather upended by my spiritual experiences at certain times. To be honest, that is probably what I most want -- and simultaneously am most afraid will happen. There are also times my spiritual life has felt dry, so dry it’s made me think, “What if this is a desert, and all those memories of abundant, vibrant liveliness were only ever mirages?”

“Maybe you, like me, sometimes wonder what spirituality really consists of.
...My thought is: it’s not quite knowable.”

Lately I’ve been considering a new thing, for me, regarding spirituality. And that is the importance of “process over content.” (We talk about this quite a bit in therapy training. It’s a foundational goal of therapists to learn to pay attention to the pattern of things that are playing out, rather than attending only to those things that are explicitly named or spoken about in the moment). 

Applying this to my own Christian spirituality has meant learning to pay attention not only to the words of Jesus on the topic of spirituality, but also to his process -- the overall pattern of life he lived out as an example of cultivating a spiritual life. His times of solitude, service, prayer, fasting, and teaching are all different parts of the important picture of his spiritual process. As I’ve reflected on this, I have been challenged to be honest with myself about my own spiritual “process.”  What are my patterns of action and inaction? What do my actions show my spirituality is really about? To put it to a sciency metaphor that appeals to me: What’s the “center of mass” of my way of living? The answers to these kinds of questions left me feeling discontent and hungry for more in my life. That turned out to be a transformative place to start.

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Allison (Allie) Ramsey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Therapist who works with individuals on a broad range of issues, including anxiety, depression, relational challenges, faith integration, divorce, and aging. 

Failure is a Guidepost

“When faced with failure, I try to remember that growth is not linear, and success is not always so clearly measured.”

I’ve experienced a sense of failure when the difference between where I am and where I would like to be feels much greater than I had hoped. The journey suddenly feels longer, and I become exhausted, ashamed, upset with myself, and I start to contemplate giving up or changing course. These feelings don’t help me reach my goals or accept myself for who I am when it gets to the point that I avoid the challenges or begin to let my inner sense of failure infiltrate the rest of my psychic being.  

When faced with failure, I try to remember that growth is not linear, and success is not always so clearly measured. I try to practice self-compassion without letting myself off the hook or continuing to avoid the painful feelings I must wrestle with to keep moving toward my goals. Maybe this time they are more realistic or appropriate and are not as concerned about what others think. Maybe more self-compassion and kindness will make me more open to feedback and help along the way.  

In the past, accepting failure and telling myself that I am just not “good enough” or “smart enough” has been a slippery slope when it comes to having the confidence to move forward in areas where I am indeed better suited. I still feed this struggle sometimes, feeling like I have failed if I am still suffering from some of my same old defenses that no longer serve me. Rather than feeling consumed by guilt, shame, and inadequacy when I recognize my growing edges, I must have more compassion for my own healing journey and know that I am committed to the process with all its inevitable failures and follies. Failure is never easy, and some failures hurt more than others, but failure can also serve as guideposts to where real growth can begin as long as we keep our heads up high enough not to miss the trails. 

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Erika Mitchell, MA, is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #109385, working under the professional supervision of Michelle Harwell, PsyD, LMFT 50732. Erika specializes in helping her clients bring mindful, attuned awareness to their sensations and emotions.

The Cold Brew

Cheese is a juggernaut of transformation. In the right hands, what is presumably rotten transforms into utter deliciousness. Fermentation, the heart of how cheese becomes cheese, parallels our own emotional process of change as humans. Change often has the aroma of death. It's a stinky business. I wanted to gain a deeper insight into this process of change. I interviewed Ms. Leah Fierro, owner of Milkfarm and fiercest cheesemonger in the West.

M: So tell us, what has cheese taught you?

L: Cheese has taught me a lot but foremost, how little people know about where food comes from.

M: Yeah, I find that interesting too. In general, we are really disconnected from our food. You’ve also chosen a food that people love but know little about. I wonder how aware people are that cheese is basically in various stages of rot, controlled spoilage?

L: People don’t understand that cheese was created due to lack of refrigeration. What do you do with an excess of milk that you can’t drink? You make cheese. Same thing with vegetables. You have seasonal bounty. What happens in the middle of winter when there is no produce? That’s where fermentation comes in. Because in 2016, we don’t know seasons, everything is available to us. Whatever we can’t get in California, we can get from Chile, from anywhere so people are disconnected from seasonality.

“People don’t think about controlled spoilage. They think if something has mold on it they have to discard it but that’s not true, you don’t. You just cut it off and keep eating it. Everything in our store molds. Everything.”

I think it’s interesting that as a cheesemonger, I am essentially serving a form of controlled spoilage and milk to consumers but people are very shocked by this. They ask questions like “How long does this last?” To which I answer, “This Parmigiano-Reggiano has been around for three years. It’s not going to spoil in three days in your refrigerator.” People don’t think about controlled spoilage. They think if something has mold on it they have to discard it but that’s not true, you don’t. You just cut it off and keep eating it. Everything in our store molds. Everything.

M: Everything?

L:  Everything. Cheese molds, everything molds. Everything, everything molds. We just cut it off and keep going. I often wonder if I have cheese mold in my lungs. Cheese is controlled spoilage. Sometimes people come in asking for blue cheese, not understanding that blue cheese is mold. The blue is mold. Or asking for camembert, brie, and not understanding that the white fungus on the outside is mold that is intentionally sprayed on the cheese to help develop the flavor. This helps the cheese mature and break down. There’s proteolysis which is the breakdown of proteins and fats which help the cheese develop to the ooey gooeyness that we all love. Spoilage.

Nearly everyone eats cheese but few people understand it. I get asked all the time “Why did you call you store Milkfarm?” People don’t really think about how cheese comes from milk and there is somehow a farm involved. It’s up to me to educate my consumers.

So there are 4 outlets for cheese making. 1. The Diary Man: he is raising the cows, growing the grass, making sure they are eating right. 2. The Cheesemaker: he ensures the cheese is being made in the proper way, controlling the pH. and the bacteria. 3. Affineur: this is the person who ages the cheese, who controls the bacteria in these cheese caves, on these wooden planks as cheeses age. This effects the flavor of the cheese. 4. The Cheesemonger: this person educates and serves the cheese. How we take care of the cheese represents all three people.

I’ve gone to a lot of cheese stores where the cheese looks like s*$%. It’s dead. It’s lived, it’s died. And it does represent all the hard work the other people have put in.

By the way, you need to come to my Parmigiano-Reggiano class on the 26th. You can learn a lot through my classes.

M: Umm. Done. 

M: I’m really fascinated by the process of fermentation, controlled spoilage, or as you have said, “delicious rot.” The idea that something decaying or rotting, in skilled hands, can become something rather delicious.

L: But it can also be very not delicious! If the cheesemaker doesn’t have the appropriate skill or knowledge, they can really mess things up. So like, if you come to the Parmigiano-Reggiano class you’ll learn about microbial rennet, why things can get bitter. If the cheesemaker doesn’t cut the curd the right way, it messes up the pH. of the milk because milk is an alive thing. The process of trying to get the perfect pH. before they add the salt, before they add the rennet, before they maneuver and manipulate it. That has a lot to do with the  outcome of the cheese.

Or the problem can lie with the cheesemonger. So let’s say you get a brie and you cut this brie at a restaurant and its ooey and gooey and delicious. Then you have another piece at another restaurant and it’s hard, kind of chalky. Then you have another piece at another restaurant and it smells like Windex and its brown. This could be the exact same cheese but just in different phase of the lifespan.

M: So what I hear is that it’s not only the cheesemaker but it’s how the cheese is used.  Shifting gears…Let’s talk about biodiversity. As a culture we are so germaphobic but from what I have read, it’s actually the diversity of microbes that brings the complexity of flavor. Bacteria is our friend.

L: (laughs) My sister has a newborn and if she could put her in a bubble or dip her in latex she would but the truth is the human body is a complex system of microbiomes. We need all of that bacteria. Like the nun in Cooked Episode 4, she needs all the funky bacteria growing in that wood for years and years to develop that cheese.

A few years ago the FDA was cracking down on affineurs using wooden planks. There were some high counts of “bad bacteria” on some planks so they wanted to banish all wooden planks. That would have been disastrous because we need all that funkiness to play a role on the cheeses surface to create beautifully complex cheeses. The interesting nuances and flavor profiles would be gone.

M: So there is a fine line between safety and danger and the potential for growth and goodness.

M: If you were to make a t-shirt, what would it say?

L: I heart bacteria. 

M: (laughs) So back to this concept of fermentation. When was a time in your life where it seemed like you reached a point of change, where it felt like the end but it became something new?

L: There was a point after I got married where I felt like I had no oxygen. That I was done. But I regenerated. I started to figure things out, what I needed. Interestingly though, in cheese oxygen can accelerate the ripening process. So like with blue cheese, at certain stage they actually purposely introduce it to oxygen to feed the bacteria.

M: So cheese has an anaerobic process but then it’s purposely exposed to oxygen. So the lack of exposure starts the cheesemaking process but then it’s all about exposure and handling?

L: Yes, but oxygen exposure starts the ripening process. So like blue cheese, the second you cut the wheel open you can literally see, with your bare eyes, the blue becoming more blue. And every day, you will see it become bluer and develop more mold.

M: So what does that mean? Is that more flavor or is there some line between deliciousness and rot?

L: It’s more flavor until you hit that point where it becomes too bitter or the flavor too strong.

M: So, it’s a dance

L: Absolutely. There’s high amount of spoilage in my industry. People wonder why cheese is so expensive. You already heard about all the people involved in the process of making the cheese. It becomes my job to sell it within that peak window. So, a lot can spoil.

M: You leave a lot cheese on the table so to speak.

L: Well, not so much anymore. People are starting to get it. It’s a good feeling. Slowly people are starting to get what we are serving is of the best quality.

M: Anything you want people to know about cheese that they may not know?

L: Not all soft cheeses are bries. (laughs)  and not every hard cheese tastes like parmesan. These are probably the two most irritating things to the cheesemonger. But those are things we chip away at as we educate the public about cheese and its differences.

L: Also, terroir. It’s a French word that translates to 'of the land.' So, if you are having a pinot noir from the Willamette Valley versus a pinot noir from France or Paso Robles, they will all taste different because of the soil, the hands that touch it, the climate, the bugs that are eating it, the ripening, they all make a difference in taste. Terroir effects cheese a lot.

So, take Raclette.  It's a very famous cheese meant to be melted and scrapped atop potatoes. Raclette is made in France. It’s made in Switzerland. I chose to use a Raclette that’s made in Vermont. The flavor is completely different. The taste, the flavor of it is delicious because these people are raising cows that are eating the freshest sustainable grasses; it’s made in these really great caves. It’s all terroir. Everything about that farm is effecting the way that cheese taste. Terroir.

M: The ecology of cheese. (laughs)

L: Cheese is interesting. I think I’ve stayed into it because it’s not so black and white. It’s not simply: follow a recipe and then, done. Cheese is living, changing, breathing. It's so much more than just a cheese shop.

M: That it is.

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Michelle Harwell, MS, LMFT is an expert trainer, respected speaker, and licensed therapist in trauma and attachment. She is noted for her specialization in areas of development, attachment, trauma, and neuroscience, and her ability to communicate complex topics with clarity and humor. Michelle is currently completing her PhD in Psychoanalysis from The Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis. She received her BA in English Literature from University of Oklahoma, MA in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary, and MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from the Fuller Graduate School of Psychology.